Reader Question

I had an email from a reader who told me about her gay husband situation.  While circumstances may vary, we all share the same hurt and betrayal and that sickening feeling of disbelief.  We ask ourselves how we didn't see this before.  We boil with anger.  We may try to bargain with the gay spouse, asking him to change or even with God, asking Him to make the spouse straight.  Or we may turn away and shake an angry fist at God for allowing it to happen.

Many of us have children by our gay spouses, and the issue of children just muddies water that's already cloudy.  The reader I referenced earlier posed the following question to me after disclosing that her daughter had journaled about seeing her father kissing an older man but won't go to counseling or talk with her further.

"...how did you feel about your son keeping the secret of his dads porn stash from you...hence, more years were stolen from you than was necessary."

 I was never angry at my son for not revealing he'd found out his dad's secret.  He was just a teenager, and that's not a subject you broach with either parent.  He found himself in an untenable position and he did what he thought was best.

The anger I have is directed directly at my ex-husband -- anger for lying to me, anger for putting his son in that untenable position, anger for lying again about the reasons for our divorce, anger for making his family believe I'm the bad guy in all this, anger, anger, anger.

This frequent, and sometimes all-consuming, anger is the topic of many of my therapy sessions.  Many people say I should just forget it, forgive him and get over it.  My answer to that?

BULLSHIT!

I cannot simply forgive what I consider the ultimate betrayal.  I cannot simply forgive lying to my children.  I cannot simply forgive putting my son in that untenable position and possibly negatively affecting any relationships either of my sons may have.  Our marriage was the foundation of their childhood, and now they know it was just a lie.

Please do not comment and tell me that as a Christian I should forgive unconditionally.  I cannot do that.  It would give him a bye for his lies and cheating. 

This, too, is something my therapist and I have talked about many times.  And she, who is also a Christian, is in complete agreement with my stance.  Forgiveness without an apology ain't gonna happen.  What I HAVE done is accept that my ex will never apologize and  never accept responsiblity for his behavior.  And with that acceptance has come a dose of peace.

So back to the reader's question...  I feel so bad for my son that he had to be put in that position, that he had to know for over half his life that his dad was gay (I pray he never knew anything about his dad's sexploits), that he had to watch his mother move from her home and head out into the world as a single person.

But I hope that he's proud of me for the stronger woman I've become.  I strive to be an example of Christian living for him and his brother and also for my grandchild.  I want her to look at her grandmother and think, "My grandma is a class act."

 

 

Decide for yourself.

DADT

Thankfully, the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy in the U.S. military is gone. It's over and done with. Now I don't expect that every gay soldier will come out immediately, but it's surely a good start for everyone. Gay and lesbian soldiers don't have to hide anymore. They can be who they are -- who God made them. And for that, I'm truly glad.

But Kiri Blakely, a writer for the Forbes website, had a very good post about another aspect of DADT. Here's her article:

Now that “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” has been repealed in the military, gay servicemen and servicewomen can no longer be discharged because of their sexual orientation. This allows them to tell friends, family, and colleagues about their orientation—should they choose to do so. Some already have.

One American soldier stationed in Germany, who had previously only videotaped himself from the neck down for an anonymous video log, has come out -- out to his father, mother, comrades—even his girlfriend.

His father told him: “I will always love you. This doesn’t change our relationship.” (No word on what the girlfriend had to say.)

Unfortunately, not all men and women are following his lead. Many people still choose the “don’t ask don’t tell” policy in their personal life. Take this ad, posted tonight on Craigslist’s Men for Men section (and slightly toned down here): “GF [girlfriend] left town and I’m looking for a hot safe time. Very discreet and masculine white bi guy looking to *** with a similar bud. Totally *** up and open, safety and discretion are key.”

Here’s another, very typical, one: “Married good looking hot stud here looking for some fun while in town.”

I hate to break it to these guys but there is no “safe time” or “fun” for the women who love them, trust them, are planning their futures with them, and possibly are home taking care of their house and children. It’s not “safe” and “fun” for those women emotionally, financially, psychologically, and not even physically. There are venereal diseases that can be spread even with the use of a condom—including the Human papillomavirus or HPV.

I would also say to these men, if they don’t want to think of their wives and girlfriends, to think about themselves. Why are you doing this? What kind of life do you want for yourself, constantly living in the shadows of lies and suffering the fear of being discovered? Even if she doesn’t discover it, which she probably will, why do you want to live a double life?

Millions of women and men who find themselves in mixed-orientation marriages and relationships have turned to networks like Straight Spouse Network and Straight Wives for emotional support. I can tell you firsthand that these men and women, and their children, are devastated when they discover their significant other was lying to them and cheating on them.

I understand that you may be scared, or ashamed, or humiliated, or simply not want to be gay. But at least, in that case, be single!

Or, you can be brave. Just like that soldier who came out today.

Kiri is a straight spouse too, so she's writing from experience. Actually, she has a book about her experience -- Can't Think Straight: A Mixed-Up Memoir of Love. I think many of us can relate.

So to all the married guys on the downlow, BE BRAVE. Stop with the lies and do the right thing by your wife.

She Doesn't Know

If this wasn't so true, it might be funny. I didn't know either. Is it a coincidence that a song about men on the downlow has that bass-heavy club beat?

She Doesn't Know by Hussy Cowboy

Dr. Drew's Take

http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/bestoftv/2011/09/05/exp.drew.gay.politicians.hln?hpt=hp_mid

I can't imbed the video.  You'll just have to click on it and watch it at the CNN site.

There's some very interesting stuff here.

These men dictate laws and change people's lives.  They lead secret lives, condemn gays and lesbians yet are gay themselves.  It's time they started suffering from their own poor legislation like the rest of the GLBT community, don't you think?

Coming Soon

I Don't Bi It

From the NY Times

No Surprise for Bisexual Men: Report Indicates They Exist
By DAVID TULLER
Published: August 22, 2011

In an unusual scientific about-face, researchers at Northwestern University have found evidence that at least some men who identify themselves as bisexual are, in fact, sexually aroused by both women and men.

The finding is not likely to surprise bisexuals, who have long asserted that attraction often is not limited to one sex. But for many years the question of bisexuality has bedeviled scientists. A widely publicized study published in 2005, also by researchers at Northwestern, reported that “with respect to sexual arousal and attraction, it remains to be shown that male bisexuality exists.”

That conclusion outraged bisexual men and women, who said it appeared to support a stereotype of bisexual men as closeted homosexuals.

In the new study, published online in the journal Biological Psychology, the researchers relied on more stringent criteria for selecting participants. To improve their chances of finding men aroused by women as well as men, the researchers recruited subjects from online venues specifically catering to bisexuals.

They also required participants to have had sexual experiences with at least two people of each sex and a romantic relationship of at least three months with at least one person of each sex.

Men in the 2005 study, on the other hand, were recruited through advertisements in gay-oriented and alternative publications and were identified as heterosexual, bisexual or homosexual based on responses to a standard questionnaire.

In both studies, men watched videos of male and female same-sex intimacy while genital sensors monitored their erectile responses. While the first study reported that the bisexuals generally resembled homosexuals in their responses, the new one finds that bisexual men responded to both the male and female videos, while gay and straight men in the study did not.

Both studies also found that bisexuals reported subjective arousal to both sexes, notwithstanding their genital responses. “Someone who is bisexual might say, ‘Well, duh!’” said Allen Rosenthal, the lead author of the new Northwestern study and a doctoral student in psychology at the university. “But this will be validating to a lot of bisexual men who had heard about the earlier work and felt that scientists weren’t getting them.”

The Northwestern study is the second one published this year to report a distinctive pattern of sexual arousal among bisexual men.

In March, a study in Archives of Sexual Behavior reported the results of a different approach to the question. As in the Northwestern study, the researchers showed participants erotic videos of two men and two women and monitored genital as well as subjective arousal. But they also included scenes of a man having sex with both a woman and another man, on the theory that these might appeal to bisexual men.

The researchers — Jerome Cerny, a retired psychology professor at Indiana State University, and Erick Janssen, a senior scientist at the Kinsey Institute — found that bisexual men were more likely than heterosexuals or gay men to experience both genital and subjective arousal while watching these videos.

Dr. Lisa Diamond, a psychology professor at the University of Utah and an expert on sexual orientation, said that the two new studies, taken together, represented a significant step toward demonstrating that bisexual men do have specific arousal patterns.

“I’ve interviewed a lot of individuals about how invalidating it is when their own family members think they’re confused or going through a stage or in denial,” she said. “These converging lines of evidence, using different methods and stimuli, give us the scientific confidence to say this is something real.”

The new studies are relatively small in size, making it hard to draw generalities, especially since bisexual men may have varying levels of sexual, romantic and emotional attraction to partners of either sex. And of course the studies reveal nothing about patterns of arousal among bisexual women. The Northwestern study included 100 men, closely split among bisexuals, heterosexuals and homosexuals. The study in Archives of Sexual Behavior included 59 participants, among them 13 bisexuals.

The new Northwestern study was financed in part by the American Institute of Bisexuality, a group that promotes research and education regarding bisexuality. Still, advocates expressed mixed feelings about the research.

Jim Larsen, 53, a chairman of the Bisexual Organizing Project, a Minnesota-based advocacy group, said the findings could help bisexuals still struggling to accept themselves.

“It’s great that they’ve come out with affirmation that bisexuality exists,” he said. “Having said that, they’re proving what we in the community already know. It’s insulting. I think it’s unfortunate that anyone doubts an individual who says, ‘This is what I am and who I am.’”

Ellyn Ruthstrom, president of the Bisexual Resource Center in Boston, echoed Mr. Larsen’s discomfort.

“This unfortunately reduces sexuality and relationships to just sexual stimulation,” Ms. Ruthstrom said. “Researchers want to fit bi attraction into a little box — you have to be exactly the same, attracted to men and women, and you’re bisexual. That’s nonsense. What I love is that people express their bisexuality in so many different ways.”

Despite her cautious praise of the new research, Dr. Diamond also noted that the kind of sexual arousal tested in the studies is only one element of sexual orientation and identity. And simply interpreting results about sexual arousal is complicated, because monitoring genital response to erotic images in a laboratory setting cannot replicate an actual human interaction, she added.

“Sexual arousal is a very complicated thing,” she said. “The real phenomenon in day-to-day life is extraordinarily messy and multifactorial.”

I still say it's just a layover on the way to gay town. For a while my ex claimed to be bisexual but if he was, wouldn't he have been equally attracted to me too? He did have a threesome with a couple, but it was only to get at the husband, not because he was that interested in the wife. And lest you think I'm jumping to a conclusion, he admitted as much in an email to one of his gay buds where he bragged about the conquest.

How Can I Forgive You?

Copied from Janis Abrams Spring


HOW CAN I FORGIVE YOU?

How Can I Forgive You? The Courage to Forgive, The Freedom Not To

Forgiveness has been held up as the gold standard of recovery from interpersonal injuries. We have been taught that forgiveness is good for us and that good people forgive. In real life, however, hurt parties often find that they can’t or won’t forgive, particularly when the offender is unrepentant or dead.

In How Can I Forgive You?, Genuine Forgiveness is reframed as an intimate dance, a hard-won transaction, which asks as much of the offender as it does of the hurt party. Offenders will learn how to perform bold, humble, heartfelt acts of repair to earn forgiveness, such as bearing witness to the pain they caused, delivering a meaningful apology, and taking responsibility for their offense. Hurt parties will learn to release their obsessive preoccupation with the injury, accept a fair share of responsibility for what went wrong, and create opportunities for the offender to make good.

When the offender can’t or won’t make meaningful repairs for the damaged caused, Dr. Spring proposes a radical, new alternative to forgiveness – a profound, life-affirming, healing process called Acceptance. This can be accomplished by the hurt party alone. Ten concrete steps for healing the self are described.

Everyone is struggling to forgive someone. This book will help you rise above a violation, repair the rupture within yourself, and consider forgiving the partner, parent, in-law, sibling, child, friend, or significant other who has hurt you. For those of you who have wronged someone else, it will offer you concrete steps for earning that person’s forgiveness – and your own.

Beautifully written and filled with insight, practical advice, and poignant case studies, How Can I Forgive You? addresses such critical questions as:

*Is forgiveness good for us?
*How do we forgive someone who shows no remorse? How do we heal ourselves?
*How can we overcome our obsessive preoccupation with the offender and get on with our lives?
*Why should forgiveness be the job of the hurt party alone? Shouldn’t the offender be asked to make good?
*When is forgiveness cheap? When is it genuine?
*What makes for a meaningful apology?
*Why is it so hard to apologize?
*Why is it so hard to forgive?
*Are some injuries simply unforgivable?

“We are all social beings, all vitally interconnected, and we are validated and redeemed when others provide a soothing balm to our wounds and work to release us from the pain they have caused us. Healing, like love, flourishes in the context of a healing relationship. I would go so far as to say that we can’t love alone, and we can’t forgive alone.”
– from How Can I Forgive You?

Praise for How Can I Forgive You?


“If you are struggling with issues of betrayal – or the challenge of whether and how to forgive–here is the most helpful and surprising book you will ever find on the subject.”
—Harriet Lerner, Ph.D., author of The Dance of Anger

“A fresh and original approach to an ancient challenge. A clinically informed guide for the offender and the offended. How Can I Forgive You? should be read by us all.”
—Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., author of Getting the Love You Want

“Finally a book has been written that teaches couples how to make genuine forgiveness a reality without rushing toward a superficial peace. This book can help couples construct a marriage that never existed before, one based on deep understanding and trust.”
—John Gottman, Ph.D., author of The Relationship Cure

“This book is a treasure trove for anyone who has ever felt betrayed or hurt in a personal relationship. Dr. Spring cuts through all the cliche’s surrounding forgiveness and views it within a broad spectrum of common relationships – mother-daughter, father-son, student-teacher, husband-wife. We owe her a debt of gratitude for this enlightened and penetrating view of a universal human dilemma.”
– Peggy Papp, M.S.W., author of Couples on the Fault Line

“This book is a treasure – practical, authentic, illuminating, and wise. It’s like a breath of fresh air that puts forgiveness in a new and revealing light and provides clear steps to turn wounds into wisdom.”
– Joan Borysenko, Ph.D., author of Minding the Body, Mending the Mind and Inner Peace for Busy People

“Clear, insightful…a thoughtful exposition on the nuanced role of forgiveness in relationships that goes beyond the average self-help book.”
—Publishers Weekly

At a therapy session shortly after I learned my husband is gay, I said to my therapist, "I supposed one day I'll have to forgive him." Having been raised a Christian, I'd been taught about forgiveness and turning the other cheek. But I was quite surprised by the answer that came from my therapist who is also a Christian.

"Do you?" she asked.

And with that she introduced me to this book. It completely turned my thinking around and I went from, "I suppose one day I'll have to forgive him" to "I'm not letting him off the hook that easily."

If you are struggling with the concept of forgiveness for a spouse who has betrayed you terribly, you may want to read this book and ponder the concepts the author proposes.

Is it a choice?

From Advocate.com

OP-ED: Is It A Choice? A Scientist's View

When Tim Pawlenty said the science was "in dispute” about whether being gay is genetic, that sure came as surprise to molecular biologist Dean Hamer.

By Dr. Dean Hamer, op-ed contributor

In a recent interview, Tim Pawlenty was asked “Is being gay a choice?” The presidential hopeful replied that “the science in that regard is in dispute.”

As a working molecular biologist, that was certainly a surprise to me.


In fact, the scientific community has long regarded sexual orientation – whether gay, straight, or somewhere in between – as a phenotype: an observable set of properties that varies among individuals and is deeply rooted in biology. For us, the role of genetics in sexual behavior is about as “disputable” as the role of evolution in biology. Come to think of it, pretty much the same folks are opposed to both ideas.


The empirical evidence for the role of genetics in sexual orientation has steadily mounted since I first entered the field in the early 1990s. Back then, the only quantitative data was derived from studies of unrepresentative and potentially biased samples of self-identified gay men and lesbian. But in the intervening 20 years, studies of twins – the mainstay of human population genetics – have been conducted on systematically ascertained populations in three different countries. These studies are notable because they have large sample sizes that are representative of the overall population, they’re conducted by independent university-based investigators using well-established statistical methods, and the results are published in the peer-reviewed literature.


Each of these studies has led to the same fundamental conclusion: genes play a major role in human sexual orientation. By contrast, shared environmental factors such as education, parenting style, or presumably even exposure to Lady Gaga, have little if anything to do with people's orientation. While there is a substantial amount of variation that cannot be ascribed to either heritable or shared environment, the differences might also be due to biological traits that are not inherited in a simple additive manner.


One criticism frequently leveled at my work was that sexual orientation couldn't possibly be inherited because “gays don't have kids.” As the gay father of a daughter with lesbian mothers, I always had to shake my head in disbelief – but now there is a solid scientific explanation for how genes that increase same-sex attraction might persist or even increase in the population. Careful family studies by two groups of investigators show that the same inherited factors that favor male homosexuality actually increase the fecundity of female maternal relatives, and that this effect is sufficient to balance out the decreased number of offspring for gay men and maintain the genes over the course of natural selection. This explanation may not be the only one, but it serves to show that the evolutionary paradox is not necessarily overwhelming.


Another criticism frequently brought up by politically motivated critics of the research is that there is still no single identified "gay gene." However, the same is true for height, skin color, handedness, frequency of heart disease and many other traits that have a large inherited component but no dominant gene. This doesn't mean that sexual orientation is a choice; it simply confirms that sexual orientation is complex, with many genes contributing to the phenotype.


In certain animal model systems, the precise genes involved in sexual partner choice have in fact been identified and their neuro-biochemical pathways have been worked out in detail. Humans may be more socially and culturally complex, but it is likely that some of these mechanisms are preserved, as they are for every other behavioral trait we know.


Given the accumulated evidence, why might Pawlenty assert that the scientific community is still debating the role of biology in sexual orientation? Probably because that's what the religious fundamentalist groups that vehemently oppose LGBT rights want people to think, and have spent considerable time, effort and money trying to promote.


There is good reason for their opposition to the scientific findings. Studies in college classrooms have shown that exposure of students to information about the causes of sexual orientation has a direct, positive influence on their opinions about LGBT civil rights. This fits with polling data showing that people who believe that gays are "born that way" are generally supportive of full equality, whereas more than two thirds of those who believe it is "a choice" are so opposed that they favor the re-criminalization of same-sex relations.


I would never want my life, liberty, or pursuit of happiness to be subject to a DNA test or any other sort of scientific analysis. Basic rights are just that – basic. But it is essential to acknowledge that lack of scientific knowledge can actually result in having our rights and freedoms taken away through the actions of misinformed voters, legislators and judges.


At least Pawlenty acknowledged that science has some role to play. I doubt that would be the case for his competitor Michele Bachman, who considers sexual orientation to be so malleable that people can “pray away the gay”. She's hopeless. With Pawlenty, it might just take some education – and plenty of Lady G, of course.

Dean Hamer is a molecular biologist who works on human genetics and HIV prevention and is the author of several scientific books including The Science of Desire. When he's not in the lab, he is visiting small towns and rural communities with his husband Joe Wilson on the Out In The Silence campaign.

My argument has always been that if it was a choice, why would the son of an ultra-conservative religious right minister choose to be gay when he knew his family would disown him if they knew he was gay.  It's not a choice.

Lord help us all if one of these ignorant politicians ends up in the White House.

How Married Guys Get Caught

The following article is from: Bi MEN NETWORK. It's intended to help men keep from getting caught. But it's also great info for the wife who suspects her husband might be cheating. Read on, sisters, and take notes. I got a lot of info on my ex from many of the things he mentions here.

"HOW MARRIED GUYS GET CAUGHT!"

by Mark

I had occasion the other day to consider how easy it is for married bisexual guys, or even heterosexual for that matter, to be caught by their wives after a little foray into bed with someone else. I have always tried to make sure that I am very aware of actions or any other form of evidence that would indicate that I have been "sipping from another cup," but every now and then it is easy to slip, and ohhh so easy to get caught.

I have been with my wife since we were both 21, and we know each other so damn well that any aberration or deviation is instantly apparent. I make it hugely worse of course by being a dreadful creature of habit; it goes with my job, which is based on systems and procedures that follow a careful routine, so it is inbred that I am pretty damn consistent. My wife is a bloody smart lady, so not much gets by her. I never underestimate her, so I was really annoyed at myself for a slip-up that required a quick recovery.

In this particular instance, I had been on a business trip to London, and I was fortunate that it coincided with a married mate who was also there on business. We had an incredible blast - not just the great sex, but the ability to head out for drinks and dinner together; to sit in the bar of the hotel and enjoy each other's company; to wake up together after some major cum unloading, and shower together before having breakfast together. That was all fine--different country, no one knows you or cares anyway, secure private room--all fine along with a nightly call to the family, and I was reachable at the hotel if anything came up; so where did I slip up?

I was commando for 2 days running--no need for underwear while my buddy was with me, and I enjoy the feeling of my cock moving around while I am in my suit. It is not unknown for me to be commando in jeans on the weekend, but during a series of Board Meetings in London? Very difficult for my wife to give credibility to THAT scenario. So when I unpacked after returning from the trip, I stupidly returned the clean boxers to my underwear drawer, and threw an inadequate number into the laundry basket to equate to the number of days I had been away. She picked it up in a shot! I knew I hadn't been gone long enough to have had hotel laundry done, one escape excuse, so I had to say that I hadn't finished unpacking yet, and there was still some laundry in my case! I got away with it, but cursed myself for being so stupid.

Over the years of being a member of websites like the Bi Men Network, I have heard many shared experiences on how husbands have been caught by their wives. In some cases I have thought that the situations were dumb enough, that the guys needed to be caught to bring it out in the open. Other events have been tragic embarrassments, where too many people have been hurt needlessly. We all live in this situation of conflicting priorities, where it is easy in following your nature to leave a trail that others can see and be exposed.

For those of us not as technically savvy as others, computers are the greatest villain, and it was computer usage that brought me the closest I ever want to get to a marriage breakdown. Since that time, I have been meticulous about never using the home computer for any of this stuff. I know of guys who had "chat" on the homes computers, but hadn't changed the automatic settings. Children or wives then logged on only to have an IM from "bigcockinBoisieID" pop up with a raunchy profile photo that said it all. Web Site histories are impossible to explain when the site name is "Horny College footballers with massive cocks!"

Guys have equally been caught by having condoms or lube when they don't use them with their wives. Wives cleaning under beds have found flotsam discarded in the throes of passionate sex.

Messages on cell phones; worse yet automatic redial on cell or house phones that recalls a number that was best left to history.

Then there is always being in a mall with our wife when some flouncy, clearly gay guy bounces up to you and says "Hi!" I restrict myself to married guys, and have frequently encountered them in malls, so the hardest thing there is to explain is how you know each other.

I am sure that we all know examples of how guys have been caught, and I often think that we might help each other more on this site by sharing these anecdotes, along with how to overcome these situations. I know we all get off on discussing docking, and whether to swallow cum, and how to spot a bisexual guy at a block party, but some of the best advice we can give each other is how to cover your tracks.

FINIS

Mark
Our thanks to Mark once again!

STEWART (Mac) McCLOUD
Founder and President
Bi MEN NETWORK
http://www.bimen. org
Over 1/4 million bisexual, bi-curious and
gay adult men with us today worldwide!

More ESSAYS by MAC at: :www.bimen.org/wednesday.htm

MWM Seeks...

Several weeks ago, Bonnie Kaye talked about Craigslist on her weekly radio show, StraightWives.  It seems the website designed as a free place to advertise things for sale, post job listings and learn about local cultural activities has morphed into a huge operation for arranging sex of all varieties. 

Just take a gander at the photo to the left to see what you can find. 

Craigslist began in 1995 as a service for the San Francisco area; now it covers most of the world.


According to Wikipedia, "The site has been found to be particularly appealing to help connect lesbians and gay men with one another because of its free and open nature in addition to it being hard to find gay people in one's area for some.  In 2005, San Francisco Craigslist's men seeking men section was attributed to facilitating sexual encounters and was the second most common correlation to Syphilis infections."


Bonnie stated that several of the women she's dealt with have found their husbands on Craigslist, advertising for gay sex complete with photos of their man parts.  I know for a fact my ex and one of his married sex partners contemplated contacting someone who'd posted on Craigslist.  I don't know for sure if they did. 


I decided to conduct a little experiment and see what would happen if I posted a faux ad on the site.


"Looking for like-minded guys - 43 - My Location


MWM looking for other married men for NSA fun. Not interested in drugs. Safe only. DDF, HIV negative. Versatile. I enjoy oral too. If you like what you see, message me. I can host from time to time but am willing to spring for a motel for the right guy."*


It didn't take long for the offers to start coming in.


Within 48 hours I received  58 replies.  19 of them specifically stated they were married.  7 stated they were single.  2 said they were engaged but looking for a man on the side.  3 were divorced.  1 was in a same-sex relationship.  26 didn't state their marital or relationship status.  Out of the 26 who didn't state their status, I suspect 6 are married because of certain things they said such as "Can only host during the day" or "Can host after X o'clock" or "Can't host, must be discreet."  Those phrases led me to believe there's a wife in the picture who may or may not be at work during certain times or may not work at all.


Many of the responses included photos of man parts in various stages of undress and arousal.  Several included very clear face photos.


What I wouldn't give to be able to identify them and send the emails to their wives.  Yes, there's a certain mean streak in me that would like to see these cheaters punished for their adultery.  But more important, their wives need to know they are being put at risk for sexually transmitted diseases.




* Here's the translation of the gay lingo in the ad:  MWM = Married White Male; NSA = No Strings Attached ; DDF = Drug and Disease Free; Host = ability to have someone come to your place residence.

And the hypocrisy continues

Email rendezvous entangles state Rep. Phillip Hinkle

Lawmaker calls encounter set up with young man on Craigslist a 'shakedown'

Emails shared with The Indianapolis Star suggest that state Rep. Phillip Hinkle -- responding to a local posting on Craigslist -- offered a young man $80 plus tip to spend time with him Saturday night at the JW Marriott hotel.

The emails, sent from Hinkle's publicly listed personal address, ask the young man for "a couple hours of your time tonight" and offer him cash up front, with a tip of up to $50 or $60 "for a really good time."

The email exchange is in response to the Craigslist posting in which the young man -- who lists his age as 20 in the ad but says he is 18 years old -- says, "I need a sugga daddy."

The young man told The Star that they met, but that he tried to leave after the man told him he was a state lawmaker. He said the lawmaker at first told him he could not leave, grabbed him in the rear, exposed himself to the young man and then later gave him an iPad, BlackBerry cellphone and $100 cash to keep quiet.

When contacted by The Star about the emails, Hinkle, a Republican who represents portions of Pike and Wayne townships, did not contest the emails but said, "I am aware of a shakedown taking place."

Asked what he meant by shakedown, Hinkle would not elaborate. He directed further questions to his attorney.

Hinkle's lawyer, defense attorney Peter Nugent, said he was unable to say what Hinkle meant by a "shakedown." Nugent said he is investigating the situation, but he does not know what happened Saturday. Nugent said he has not filed a police report and does not yet know whether he will.

Asked whether he had seen the emails and the Craigslist posting, Nugent said, "Oh, I've seen some emails, but not all of them." He would not be more specific.

"I'm trying to get to the bottom of everything involved," Nugent said.

Wednesday, Nugent faxed this "official statement":

"Representative Hinkle is aware of the inquiries by The Indianapolis Star and we are investigating the matter at this time. We request that everyone respect the privacy of the family at this time."

Hinkle, 64, who lists his occupation as coordinator for community partnerships for Wayne Township Schools on the Indiana House website, has been a state lawmaker since 2000. He is best known in the Statehouse for his interest in local government issues. On the website, he also notes he was a co-author of the bill that created the "In God We Trust" license plate.

The young man, Kameryn Gibson, told The Star he posted the Craigslist ad in the "Casual Encounters" section under m4m, which is shorthand for men for men. He used his adopted sister's email address.

Gibson said he and the man met but that they did not have sex. He and the sister, Megan Gibson, flatly denied any shakedown.

"I wasn't shaking him down, at all," Kameryn Gibson said.

Megan Gibson said she contacted The Star because she thought Hinkle's actions were "creepy" and, given his stature, that his actions should be made public.

Megan Gibson also provided the email exchange, which she forwarded to The Star. She also allowed a reporter to inspect the emails, which she had kept, on her smartphone. The phone contained not only the email exchange but a call log that showed phone calls from numbers that match both Hinkle's cellphone and home phone.

The Craigslist ad was posted at 7:37 a.m. Saturday. The ad shows two pictures of Kameryn Gibson, shirtless with pants pulled below the top of his underwear.

The ad's text features one written line: "Email me and I'll tell you everything you need to know!"

Forty-seven minutes later, he received a response from phinkle46 @comcast.net, with the email signature "Sent from Phil's iPad."

"Cannot be a long time sugar daddy," the email reads, "but can for tonight. Would you be interested in keeping me company for a while tonight?"

The email offers "to make it worth (your) while" in cash, and offers a personal description: "I am an in shape married professional, 5'8", fit 170 lbs, and love getting and staying naked."

Fifteen minutes later, Kameryn Gibson replied: "Yes I can!" He also sent along his phone number.

What followed was an email exchange between phinkle46 @comcast.net and Kameryn Gibson. One email from Hinkle's account asks "what will make you happy for giving me a couple hours of your time tonight?"

Gibson: "Wat (sic) can you give me?"

Phinkle46 @comcast.net: "How about $80 for services rendered and if real satisfied a healthy tip? That make it worth while?"

The two agreed on the price and discussed logistics. An email sent at 9:44 a.m., also with the signature "Sent from Phil's iPad" and sent from Hinkle's personal account, lays clear the parameters for the tip: "Final for the record, for a really good time, you could get another 50, 60 bucks. That sound good?"

Later, about 5 p.m., phinkle46 @comcast.net offered to pick up the young man at his Westside home and drive him to the JW Marriott hotel.

The final emails from phinkle46 @comcast.net come from a BlackBerry. One such email suggests: "If u want to consider spending night u might tell ur sis so she won't worry. Would have u back before 11 tomorrow. No extra cash just free breakfast and maybe late night snack."

Gibson responds only with his address. At 8:45 p.m., he receives one final email from phinkle46 @comcast.net: "I am here in parking lot between bldg 1 and 2. U here?"

The email exchange contains no mention of sex acts.

Brad Banks, supervisor of the D Felony Division at the Marion County prosecutor's office, explained -- without being provided details of the emails -- that prostitution in the state of Indiana is defined as an agreement between two parties to have sex in exchange for money and that the agreement must be about both sex and money.

Kameryn Gibson provided the following account of what happened after that final email from phinkle46 @comcast.net.

He said Hinkle picked him up in a white car -- his suit jacket was hanging in the backseat.

When they arrived at the hotel, Gibson said he was given the room key and told to go into the hotel. They couldn't go in together, Gibson was told. About 15 minutes later, Hinkle arrived in the room, changed into a towel and then during small talk informed Gibson he was a lawmaker.

Gibson said the man showed him an identification card.

The ID, Gibson said, gave a name: Phillip Hinkle.

"My eyes got big," Gibson told The Star. "I didn't really know what to say, so I didn't say anything. It was just a shock."

Gibson said he had posted on Craigslist before but had never met up with someone. Knowing he was in a bedroom with a politician, Gibson said, he got cold feet.

"Yeah, I don't want to do this," Gibson said he told Hinkle.

He said Hinkle's response was: "You need to do this, because I came and got you, and I'm not taking you back until we do what we need to do."

Gibson excused himself to the bathroom. There, he called his sister Megan. She said she would come get him immediately.

When Gibson came out, he said Hinkle told him he couldn't leave. Gibson called his sister again. This time, Megan told him to put her on speakerphone.

"I started cussing him," Megan told The Star. She also threatened to call the police and the local media.

"He said, 'I'll give you whatever,'" Megan said.

But when they hung up, Kameryn Gibson said Hinkle grabbed him by the right arm, just below the shoulder. Gibson said it was then that Hinkle grabbed him in the rear, dropped his towel and sat down on the bed -- naked.

When Megan Gibson arrived to pick up her brother, she again threatened to call police and the local media.

Kameryn and Megan Gibson said Hinkle then offered his iPad, a BlackBerry and $100 in cash.

Kameryn Gibson walked past his sister and out of the room as she continued to yell at Hinkle.

"She was still going off," Kameryn Gibson said, "and I was like, 'OK, I think that's enough, I think he gets it.' "

Megan Gibson said that on the drive back, she began receiving a series of calls on the BlackBerry, including one from a woman who said she was Hinkle's wife.

"I was like, 'Your husband is gay,' " Megan said. "And then she was like, 'You have the wrong person.' "

Megan read her the email address: phinkle46 @comcast.net.

The line went silent.

"Just for a couple seconds," Megan Gibson said, "and the first thing she said was, 'Please don't call the police.' "

Phone messages left with Hinkle's wife late Thursday were not returned.

Megan Gibson said she then began receiving a series of calls from various family members -- including from Hinkle's son-in-law, demanding that his wife see proof of the emails.

Megan Gibson dropped off her brother then returned to the JW Marriott, where she showed Hinkle's daughter the emails.

Megan Gibson said on her way back, she received another call from Hinkle's wife.

"The first thing she said, she was like, 'OK, we will give you $10,000 not to say anything,' " said Megan Gibson, who said she was now becoming scared. "I was like, 'OK,' and I hung up the phone."

She soon got another call -- from the Marriott hotel. It was Hinkle. Megan Gibson told Hinkle that she had informed his wife and family that he was gay.

Megan Gibson said Hinkle's response was: "You just ruined me."

No, Phillip.  You ruined yourself.  And to make matters worse,  you voted to deny marriage rights to gay people while you were off in the shadows engaging in gay sex.

I feel sorry as hell for your wife.  I  think we all know where YOU will spend eternity.

Worldwide!

Look at all the countries!

I've got the power!

When I discovered my husband was gay, I wasn't sure what I was going to do.  Divorce was a foreign word to me.  I'd married for life and had spent the majority of my marriage as a stay-at-home wife and mother.

In an email to a former pastor, where I asked if he would meet with me for some counseling, I actually wrote that I felt divorce would reward my husband and punish me.  He'd be free to continue pursuing other men and I'd be shoved alone into the world with no way to support myself short of learning to say, "Welcome to Walmart."

The former pastor was unable to meet with me because I'd tracked him down in the middle of an out-of-state move.  But he referred me to a wonderful counselor who has been with me through the whole ordeal.  She's given me lots of good pointers and helped me work through many issues.

But one pointer I didn't get from her was this:  When you have to go to court or deal with your husband/ex-husband, wear power underwear to give yourself a psychological advantage.

I can't remember where I read this -- most likely somewhere on the Internet.  But I went to the mall, found an animal-print camisole and panties.  I didn't visit that fancy specialty lingerie store because I couldn't afford THAT much money for undies.  I found it at one of the department stores.

At my first court date, I wore a pair of black dress pants and a black-and-white sweater.  And under that sweater, leeching all its power straight into me, were the camisole (paired with a black bra) and panties.

I was woman!  Hear me roar!

On the outside I was dressed to suit even the most conservative judge.

But underneath?  WOWZA!  And it was all my little secret.

So my advice to you, ladies, is to buy yourself some sort of underwear that's out of your ordinary.  Something you'd normally not wear but that makes you feel special and powerful.  It might be red lace.  It might be animal print like mine.  It could be emerald green or hot pink.  Just make sure it gives you a psychological boost.

And then wear those undies -- your power underwear -- when you need a little extra something in your life.

P.S.  Would you believe that when I went to Google images and searched for "power underwear" most of the hits were for men's undergarments?  Mostly thongs, many see-through, and some with strategically placed holes?  I'm sorry, but I didn't find them in the least bit sexy.  But I'll bet I know who would.

A Kindred Soul

I had lunch a few days ago with a kindred soul -- another straight wife I met in my town.  After I invited her to lunch, I had a bit of panic because I wasn't quite sure where to start or even what mine or her expectations were.

But once we got through the formalities of ordering and settling into a booth, it was as if she knew just the right things to say.  She's been divorced about five years and was married for about thirty years.  She shared her story briefly with me and then let me share mine.  With every statement I made, she'd nod or agree. 

She UNDERSTOOD!  She'd lived through the betrayal and hurt.  She'd been lied to and had her trust destroyed.  When I said that sometimes the situation just overtakes me out of the blue and I wonder how I ended up like this, she shared that she'd often find herself on the sofa in a sitting fetal position just staring at the television.

What a feeling of validation!  Over her objections, I'd paid for her lunch, and after our discussion, I felt like it was worth every penny because I got as much from our talk as I do from a session with my therapist.  Don't get me wrong, my therapist is terrific.  But my lunch friend has lived what I've lived.  And that's the only way anybody will understand what I've been through.  EVAH!

Have you had the opportunity to sit down and talk with another straight wife?  If not, Bonnie Kaye has an opportunity coming up in September in Philadelphia.  I can't go, but you might want to see about attending if you can.  You can email her and get more details.  Her website is on the resources page of this site, and her contact info is there.

He thinks I have issues

I've lately begun to interact with some gay married men who have blogs.  It's no secret that I harbor less than positive feelings for gay men who marry straight women.

Before you click on the next link, BEWARE.  It is not safe for work.

One of the bloggers referenced my blog in a recent post of his. 

Maggie is an ex-wife of a gay man. She has an interesting blog..but, obviously, has "issues" with regard to closeted married men who are gay/bi. You're blog entries are littered with comments questioning other blogs like mine about the sexuality of the writers. You are, understandably, biased toward men coming out to their wives. That doesn't make your blog wrong or anti-male. It's just written from a life full of your experiences.

My hope is that with the input of others, whether they're guys or girls, that we can all learn from each other here. I am not without faults or biases..and I don't think any of us are.

True.  I do have issues.  And here's my comment to him.

Hi, BLM. Maggie here. Yes, I have issues with married gay men. I learned after 35 years of marriage that my now ex-husband was gay and had been screwing his way across America on business trip for four years. And when I was out of town, he did it in our bed. He knew he was gay when he married me. He knows the difference between right and wrong and chose to commit adultery. He admitted in numerous emails to other people that he would imagine I was a man when we had sex so that he could perform. I hafta tell ya, that really does a number on a girl's self-esteem. Over half my life was spent with a man who imagined he was screwing another man. When I found out, I didn't go running to our kids or his family. I simply told him I wanted a divorce. He chose to make it ugly. He did eventually come out to the kids. Funny thing is, the older one had found his dad's gay porn stash when he was a teenager and had to keep his dad's secret all those years. Would YOU like to be a teenage boy who learns his father is gay?

We're both entitled to our thoughts and opinions and attitudes. I can tell you, though, when your wife finds out -- and trust me, she will -- it probably won't be pretty.

Cameron posted on his blog about a terrific book. It's called Over the Cliff: Gay Husbands in Straight Marriages by Bonnie Kaye and Doug Dittmer. It might be worth your while to read it since I do truly believe you want to do the right thing.

I still have to ask this question:  If he's bisexual, why are there no photos of naked women on his blog?  There are only men, which begs the question,  is he really attracted at all to women?

Feedback from a blogger

WARNING!  The link below is NOT safe for work!

Two weeks ago I blogged about another blog where a gay man married to a straight woman talks about doing the right thing. 

He and I have emailed back and forth a few times and last Thursday he posted about me and about Bonnie and Doug's book.  He's even said my blog has made him consider the straight wife's point of view, especially when she's been blindsided by the news her husband is gay and cheating.

So I'm finally beginning to think this blog might be accomplishing something and is worth the effort. 

I've also created a little more publicity for Bonnie and Doug's book.

And because he put a link to my blog on his sidebar, my hits have skyrocketed.

Such is life in the blogosphere.

Yeah. What the heck is he?

Found this post in a bisexual men's group online and wanted to share it and my thoughts.

What the heck am I?

This week I turn 54. 50-freakin'-4! How did that happen? I've been married for 30 years and truly love my wife. Still, as with many guys, when I'm out and about, attractive young women catch my eye. A glimpse of thigh or cleavage and she's got my attention.

Guys rarely get the look over from me. Oh, maybe once in a while if the guy is undeniably hot.

Ah, but then why am I so attracted to man-on-man sex? Why do I want to find some guys who want to 'hang out' naked? How come I long for a special male friend? Someone who shares my interests. Someone who wants to get intimate, but not to run around humping anything that bends over for him? Someone who simply wants one special male friend in his life?

I don't like labels. Gay. Bi. Straight. Human sexuality follows more of a gradient, I think. While there are guys who definitely are straight or gay, I suspect there may be a large percentage who fit in on a sliding scale between those extremes.

If it's women who catch my eye, but guys who I want to strip down with, maybe my scale veers slightly more straight than gay.

Then again, maybe the thought of physical contact with another guy fills some need in my life. I do not have any really close male friends. The friends I share with and open up to are all women. So, perhaps, the attraction to sex with another guy is really an attempt to simply develop a close bond with another male, which is something lacking in my life.

My wife and I love each other deeply. We have not had intimate sexual contact for about two years. In that time, I've had sex twice with the same person . . . another guy. I won't be seeing him again. He's looking for a gay life partner. I'm looking for a fun friend who is OK with my commitment to wife and family.

I'm not interested in being a male slut who jumps from guy to guy. Lots of reasons for that. Not the least of which is concern from a health and wellness perspective.

So what am I? Bi? Pansexual? Confused? :)

I'm not sure, but I won't be branded by a label. And I do love myself. If only I could find a friend who could also love me!

Sorry for the rambling. Just some thoughts as another birthday approaches.

To paraphrase Bonnie Kaye, if you are a man and you want to have sex with someone who has a penis, you are gay.

Still confused?  Can I make it any clearer for you?

Sheesh! They have an association.

of the Washington, D.C. Metropolitan Area

From the "Talking to Your Wife" page.  Comments in red are mine.

ADVICE FROM AN EXPERT

The following is quoted from When Husbands Come Out of the Closet by Jean Schaar Gochros (Harrington Park Press, 1989). Gochros holds a doctorate in social work. Her book is based on extensive interviews with women whose husbands are gay. In Chapter 10, she provides advice to wives and husbands and summarizes the general conclusions of her study.   Set forth below are brief excerpts.
Gochros general advice is encapsulated in a comment that she quotes from one of her interviewees: "Tell my husband I'm trying to understand. But I don't know what he thinks or how he feels. Tell him not to shut me out. Tell him to talk to me!"
Advice to Wives
1. Having company in one's misery doesn't necessarily make one happy, but it does help to relieve the sense of isolation. So try to remember that you are not alone. You are in an extremely large crowd.
2. Try to remember that you are not alone in the kinds of feelings you have had, presently have, or may have in the future. Whether those feelings are positive, negative, or simply confused and ever changingthey have been shared by others.
3. If you have just learned of the homosexuality, try not to panic, and avoid hasty, impulsive decision. Your marriage is not necessarily doomed, and it may well improve. You have many options. Like staying married to a man who has lied to you about his sexual orientation and has most likely cheated on you?
4. Try not to blame yourself and don't accept others blaming you foryour husband's homosexual thoughts or behaviors. You did not cause either his homosexual feelings or actions.  Amen!
5. Avoid letting this issue take over your life. Uh... it's a little hard to NOT let it take over your life when the rug has just been pulled out from under you.
6. Shutting the door and pretending the homosexuality doesn't exist is not helpful to you in the long run. You need to confront the issues squarely.
7. Be prepared for periods of confusion, anger, depression, discouragement, turmoil, stress, and mood changes. Ya think???
8. Be patient with yourself. The situation you are facing can be complex and confusing.
9. Try to look beyond the homosexuality in assessing your options and in how you solve both big and little problems in your marriage. You also need to stand up for your own rights, ask the questions you need to ask, and insist on the same flexibility, consideration, and understanding from your husband that he asks and expects from you.
10. Don't blame yourself for your choice of husband. You probably had good reason. Now you need to examine those reasons. Do they still exist? Are the qualities you liked before still there?  You also need to find a good psychologist and the best divorce lawyer in town.
11. You may need to explore new sexual options. Can you accept the possibility of an open-sexual contract that allows for extramarital sex? If so, what ground rules can you set?  Are you prepared for the fact your ex may give you STDs?  Don't even consider this.
12. Don't try to struggle with this situation alone. It simply becomes too confusing. Get professional counseling quickly before confusion sets in. Try not to isolate yourself. Talk with others and to learn the art of coping with stigma. But be cautious in dealing with straight society.   Okay, so I already told you to get a good counselor.  And confide in your best friends who won't be judgmental.  Your gay husband's stigma doesn't have to be yours. 
Advice to Husbands
1. There is no pat rule for whether to tell or when to tell a wife about homosexual needs and either past or present activity. Honesty is usually (though not always) the best policy. Usually, the sooner you talk with your wife, the less "betrayed" she will feel.  Honesty is NOT the best policy???  Since when?
2. "Honesty" should not become equated with "cruelty" and must be tempered with sensitivity.
3. Try to make your disclosures as positive as possible in your timing and sensitivity to your wife's feelings.
4. Do your best to avoid making promises that you do not intend or may not be able to keep, and be scrupulously honest in obeying both the spirit and the letter of any contracts you make.
5. You need to be prepared for and willing to suffer through your wife's anger, grief, and hurt. Try to meet her feelings with empathy and understanding. Wives, don't be surprised when he has no empathy for you.  He probably won't give a damn that you are suffering.  If you want sympathy, you'll find it in the dictionary between shit and syphillis.  If you're really lucky, you'll find it from good friends and a good counselor.
6. Help her cope with stigma. It is as real a problem for her as it has been and will be for you.  He's not going to care about this either. 
7. Try not to feel railroaded by others into choosing between marriage and homosexual expression. You have options. If you and your wife can work out a mutually satisfying contract, there is no reason why you should not do so. If you cannot honestly commit yourself to and be happy in a heterosexual relationship, don't string your wife along.  There is no such thing as a mutually satisfying contract between a gay man and a straight woman.  Period.  Eventually, his suppressed feelings will explode to the surface and he's going to find other men.  The sooner you can get out, the sooner you can start to build a new life free of the lies and betrayal.

In my opinion, this group has good intentions but a lot of bad advice.  Gay men should be encouraged to come clean with their wives as soon as possible and not fight them in divorce court.  When you've stolen years of a woman's life -- years she could have spent with a man who would love her with real passion -- you have no right to make the divorce difficult.

Grow a set and do the right thing.

Providing peer counseling, support, and outreach to gay and bisexual married men, their wives, partners, and friends.


I wanted GAMMA to be a place where people who feel this special kind of love would be welcomed and accepted. I wanted to create a framework for discussion that was respectful and humane, for ourselves, our wives, and others. — Joshua, one of the founders of GAMMA

What is GAMMA?

GAMMA is a peer support group for men who:

• Identify themselves as gay or bisexual or are simply attracted to men, and
• Are now or have been in a relationship with a woman, or are contemplating such a relationship.

Some members are in satisfying, conventional marriages, some in less happy ones. Some are separated or divorced, some have lovers. Some have never had a sexual experience with a man and some have worked out unique living arrangements.

Some have had free and open discussions with their spouses and children. Others have never spoken to anyone about their feelings.

All are welcome and should find among us others who share their experience.

GAMMA has no official party line. It neither encourages nor discourages its members from relationships with their wives or other women. Rather, it seeks to assist each man to find his own best road to travel in life. Much of this is accomplished through open, candid, and sympathetic sharing of thoughts, experiences and feelings.

At meetings, you can say as little or as much as you like. Most attendees introduce themselves using only their first name and then describe their current situation and issues. The discussions during the rest of the evening depend on the interests of the group. There are typically about 10 people in attendance – with ages ranging from the 20's on up. The men's group is just a bunch of guys discussing their issues, so don't be shy... there's nothing bizarre going on here!

Support for Wives

Support for wives is available through the Straight Spouse Network.

Adult content?

Several of the posts I've done recently have been from blogs with the content warning shown above.  Now, those blogs have had photos of nekkid men with all their junk displayed for the world to see.  So I understand fully why they are considered adult content.

But I'm starting to wonder if MY blog might be considered adult content, especially since I have been quoting from adult content blogs?  Confused yet?

What do you guys think?  Should I activate the Adult Content notice on this blog?  I worry that the whole issue of lying, cheating, adulterous gay husbands has become so "normal" for me that I forget it's quite scandalous to others.