Thursday, October 6, 2011
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Many of us have children by our gay spouses, and the issue of children just muddies water that's already cloudy. The reader I referenced earlier posed the following question to me after disclosing that her daughter had journaled about seeing her father kissing an older man but won't go to counseling or talk with her further.
"...how did you feel about your son keeping the secret of his dads porn stash from you...hence, more years were stolen from you than was necessary."
I was never angry at my son for not revealing he'd found out his dad's secret. He was just a teenager, and that's not a subject you broach with either parent. He found himself in an untenable position and he did what he thought was best.
The anger I have is directed directly at my ex-husband -- anger for lying to me, anger for putting his son in that untenable position, anger for lying again about the reasons for our divorce, anger for making his family believe I'm the bad guy in all this, anger, anger, anger.
This frequent, and sometimes all-consuming, anger is the topic of many of my therapy sessions. Many people say I should just forget it, forgive him and get over it. My answer to that?
I cannot simply forgive what I consider the ultimate betrayal. I cannot simply forgive lying to my children. I cannot simply forgive putting my son in that untenable position and possibly negatively affecting any relationships either of my sons may have. Our marriage was the foundation of their childhood, and now they know it was just a lie.
Please do not comment and tell me that as a Christian I should forgive unconditionally. I cannot do that. It would give him a bye for his lies and cheating.
This, too, is something my therapist and I have talked about many times. And she, who is also a Christian, is in complete agreement with my stance. Forgiveness without an apology ain't gonna happen. What I HAVE done is accept that my ex will never apologize and never accept responsiblity for his behavior. And with that acceptance has come a dose of peace.
So back to the reader's question... I feel so bad for my son that he had to be put in that position, that he had to know for over half his life that his dad was gay (I pray he never knew anything about his dad's sexploits), that he had to watch his mother move from her home and head out into the world as a single person.
But I hope that he's proud of me for the stronger woman I've become. I strive to be an example of Christian living for him and his brother and also for my grandchild. I want her to look at her grandmother and think, "My grandma is a class act."