Where Were You?

I'm a great fan of country music, and last week I was listening to Alan Jackson's song "Where Were You When the World Stopped Turning."  It's a tribute to the victims and heroes of the disaster on September 11, 2001.

As I listened to the first line of the song, my mind substituted some different words -- words that reflected my feelings and emotions of my own disaster.  And tonight I worked out an alternative lyric to the song that I hope you can relate to.

I'll post a video of Alan Jackson singing his terrific song and below that I'll post my altered lyrics.  Some of the last part are his exact words.  I'll put those in italics to give credit where credit is due.



Where were you when the world stopped turning when you learned he was gay?
Were you at the computer with email and Facebook
And you had no idea what to say?
Did you sit there in shock at the sight of his lies
Staring from the computer screen?
Did you shout out in anger, in fear for your family
Or did you just sit down and scream?


Did you weep for your children who would not understand it
Or pray it was all just a joke?
Did you ask why you’d suffered from such a betrayal
And sob til you thought you would choke?
Did you burst out in tears for the hurt you were feeling
And the anger that had filled you inside?
Did you look up to heaven for some kind of answer
For why this man had cheated and lied?


[Chorus:]
I'm just a woman of simple means
Who trusted with all of her heart
I thought I knew the man I was with
Now I don’t know just where to start
But I know Jesus and I talk to God
And I remember this from when I was young
Faith, hope and love are some good things He gave us
And the greatest is love
And the greatest is love


Where were you when the world stopped turning when you learned he was gay?

Please feel free to comment about where you were and how you found out your husband is gay. Trust me when I say that talking about it helps a lot. You don't have to put your name. You can post anonymously and no one will know it was you.

I'll start. He left his email open and I saw a series of messages between him and another man. They were very sexual in nature and completely inappropriate for a married man.

My Blog's Crazy URL

I called in to Bonnie and Misti's show last night to voice my opinions on a few things, and Bonnie asked me to give the URL for my blog.  I realize how difficult it is to relate it verbally but I couldn't use the name I wanted.  Straighttalkforwomen has already been taken.  So I was forced to use web slang substituting numbers for letters.

But that's how it goes sometimes.  We can't always have what we want.  Right?

Happy Memorial Day!  And thank you to our current soldiers and all veterans of past wars who fought to keep us free.

We're Everywhere

The straight wife phenomenon isn't isolated to one place.

We're everywhere as evidenced by the locations shown onthis map.  These represent people who have visited this blog.  I hope I've been able to help them.

Click to enlarge and see the various locations more clearly.

A New Book About Gay Husbands in Straight Marriages

From Bonnie Kaye and Doug Dittmer:

OVER THE CLIFF:  Gay Husbands in Straight Marriages

Finally a self-help book that guides gay husbands to understand why and how to come out to their wives...

Millions of gay men throughout the world find themselves in marriages to women because they didn’t understand their homosexuality when they got married. Most of them took their sacred vows with honorable intentions because it was the “right thing” to do according to religious, family, and societal pressures. They hoped in their hearts that loving their wives and children would make those nagging attractions to men fade and eventually go away. As hard as they try to be “straight” by living a “straight life,” in time it just doesn’t happen. No amount of therapy, counseling, or love for a family can change a man’s sexuality. Sadly, many of these gay men spend years of their lives feeling confused, guilty, trapped, and unfulfilled.


For those men who are living a double life, the prolonged staying in a marriage can last for years because they just don’t know how to leave. They have real fears that keep them stuck in the quicksand feeling paralyzed to make a move. Some of these fears include: What will the repercussions be? How can I walk away from my family? What about hurting my wife? How will my children look at me if they know I am gay? Will they hate me? These are all difficult questions that need meaningful answers.


Over the Cliff - Gay Men in Straight Marriages addresses these issues through interviews with 16 men who faced making this decision. Their stories will definitely validate everything you are feeling and fearing. In addition, the book offers advice from internationally recognized straight/gay marriage counselor Bonnie Kaye as well as her gay male peer counselor, Doug Dittmer, who also helps both men and women in their pursuit for understanding how to move past the pain of these marriages. Dittmer, a gay man previously married to a woman, has worked with Kaye over the past five years to help the hundreds of men who come to her for help annually. Dittmer identified 16 men whom he has worked with and had them agree to share their stories with you through candid conversations and interviews that he conducted. In addition to the stories from these men, Kaye and Dittmer give you their own insight based on years of counseling/coaching experience which provides a road map for best practices in the coming out process and gives guidance for future family unity and support when the marriage dissolves. This includes an overview of the grieving process that the wives go through following the marriage to help the husbands as they move ahead.


This book is also a valuable read for straight wives to explain why their husbands married them and to help them understand why their marriages failed. Through the stories of the gay husbands, women will understand that they are in no way responsible for their husband’s homosexuality or the deterioration of the marriage. So many questions that have never been answered before are addressed here through the honesty and candidness of the men in the interviews. For those wives who are unsure or stuck in their own denial, this book will serve as the eye-opener they need to accept the situation in order to move on in their lives.

In paperback or e-book format.

When I first learned my ex was gay, I immediately went to the Internet to look for information -- ANYTHING to help me understand why this had happened and why it had happened to me.  When I found Bonnie Kaye's website and the twice-weekly online support chats, I knew I'd hit paydirt.  In the chats I met other women who were questioning their lives, their marriages, their choices, their sanity.  I finally knew I wasn't alone .  Other women had gay husbands too.

Since that time two years ago, Bonnie has begun co-hosting a talk radio show on Sunday nights along with Misti Lynn Hall, who is a therapist specializing in straight wife coaching.  Like Bonnie, Misti was also married to a gay man.

According to Carrie Bradshaw

Television fans will recognize the name Carrie Bradshaw as the lead character of the iconic TV show "Sex and the City."  In one episode, Carrie learns her man du jour is bisexual and discusses this with gal pals Samantha, Miranda and Charlotte. 

During the course of the conversation, Carrie comments that "bisexuality is just a layover on the way to gay town."

Experts disagree on this issue -- whether bisexuality exists in its own right or whether it really IS just a layover on the way to being gay.

My personal belief is that bisexuality is just an excuse men use when they don't want to admit they are gay.  My ex-husband claimed to be bisexual, yet he'd stopped having sex with me under the guise of having erectile dysfunction, and he'd begun having sexual relations exclusively with men.

Bisexual?  I think not.

I found this blog online and had to shake my head in disbelief as I read it.  I can't imagine a woman on earth who'd tolerate her husband having bisexual buddies AND having sex with her.  Well, maybe I can imagine it.  Go back to my previous blog post on the stages of grief and I think you may find a woman in deep denial.

In one of his posts, this man writes, "...I must admit that I struggle with having told her because I simply don't think that a straight woman can fully understand the motivations of a bisexual man."

Well, duh.  When we marry, we promise to love, honor and cherish and foresake all others.  What woman in possession of all her faculties would accept her husband's infidelity whether it be with another woman or with a man?

None that I know.  And certainly not me.

Oh good grief!

In her 1969 book On Death and Dying, Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross introduced the concept of the Five Stages of Grief.  She had interviewed five hundred dying patients and discerned five distinct stages through which these people processed their impending death.

These five stages have since been applied to people suffering from other forms of loss, including divorce.

The stages as identified by Dr. Kubler-Ross are

• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression
• Acceptance

And this is my journey through these stages.

Three days before several Christmases ago, I had to do some work on my husband's computer, and when I closed down the program I was using, his email program was open to a long thread of messages between him and another man.  The theme of the messages was very sexual in nature, and I sat stunned as I read them.  The message was very clear:  my husband was gay.  But it was three days before Christmas, I had family coming in and I didn't have time to deal with it. 

So I began my reign as the Queen of Denial.  I had a shiny crown and a sparkly sceptre and I went right on with my Christmas plans.  Then Christmas was over, New Year's came and went, I undecked the halls and I still stayed in denial.  We had a vacation to the Caribbean planned for the first of February and in the back of my mind I knew that might be the last great vacation I ever had.  So I kept on denying until we got back home.

He left on a business trip the day after we returned, and I tried to see if I could get back into his email.  I could, and that's where I found enough evidence to bury him and to turn my world completely upside down.  There were not only emails between him and a number of men, but also information about a website called Manhunt.  It's an online gay site and he used it to connect with men both in our hometown and in towns where he travelled on business.  There's a link to Manhunt and other gay hook-up sites on the Resources page.

The information I discovered was far bigger than my ability to deny it, and I moved into the anger stage.  How DARE he do this to our family!  And how dare he lie to me, fuss at me about my household spending while he was spending money at the local sex shop and bring men home to have sex in our marital bed when I was visiting family.

I'm still very much in the anger stage because he's refused to take any responsibility for his actions.  It's all my fault.  I'm also angry because he's moved on into a relationship with a man who's ten years younger.  It's as if I never existed.  He's soooooooooooooo in love and sooooooooooooooo happy.

And I'm just collateral damage.

I did my share of bargaining too, but not with him.  I remember sitting at a stoplight on my way home from being tested for STDs and telling God if He'd let me test negative for herpes, hepatitis and HIV, He could let me have syphillis because I could cure that.

No one should ever have to bargain like that.

I've never sunk into full-blown depression, but I do have periods of extreme sadness.  I've lost the life I had and I moved out of my dream house.  The future I imagined we'd have together is gone.  My future is now just a big question mark.  Financially, I am okay, and in a perfect world, my financial situation would stay the same and I'd be okay forever.  But the world isn't perfect.  Despite an award of lifetime alimony, I expect him to take me back to court when he thinks he's ready to retire and to ask for a reduction.  I've been told by several legal specialists, that a lifetime alimony award has never been overturned in this state.  I've also been told that when I tell my side of the story at that possible alimony reduction hearing, no judge would rule against me. 

Instead of depression, I just have major stress.  It's wreaked havoc on my body, causing cortisol-related weight gain and gastro-intestinal problems.  Meditation and massage work along with prescription medications for irritable bowel syndrome help, but the worries are always there in the back of my mind.

The final stage is acceptance, and I came to that stage once I was convinced he was gay and once I learned he'd been living a secret life of one-night stands and reckless sex for years.  I knew I couldn't stay married to him (though I did express in some early emails to my best friend that I thought divorce would reward him and punish me). 

Along the way, I consulted with and ultimately hired a divorce attorney, confronted my husband about his behavior and we were divorced.  It began as an uncontested divorce but turned ugly when he realized he was going to have to pay for his misbehavior -- literally.  I moved out of the house and into an apartment and began life as a single woman -- something I'd never done before since I went from living at home with my parents to living in a college dorm to being married.

Divorce had never been in my vocabulary because I married for life.  But mine wasn't a marriage at all.  Instead, it was one person taking advantage of another's blind trust and abusing that trust in order to pursue his own selfish wants. 

I'm blessed with a supportive family and friends.  My grown children don't know the gory details of their father's behavior, but he did finally out himself to them.  As it turns out, one of my children already suspected because he'd found gay pornography hidden years ago.  I hate that he had to carry that secret with him for so many years.  Fortunately, I've always had a very strong bond with my children and that hasn't changed.  But life is awkward now.  At holidays they have to decide which days to spend with me and which with their dad since they both live out of town.  I took the high road and never bad-mouthed their father to them because he is still their father.  But the days of happy Thanksgiving dinners with all of us around the table are gone.  I can't be accepting of his partner since this man knowingly had an affair with a married man.  That speaks to his character, and as far as I'm concerned, the man has no character.

Take a look at the stages of grief.  Figure out where you stand with them and work your way through them because if you don't, or if you get stuck in a stage, you run the risk of getting into another bad relationship or never finding happiness in your life again -- whether single or married.

Pardon me while I puke

I saw this on the Facebook page of a gay man who's in a relationship with another gay man.

Falling in love is easy, but STAYING in love is something very special!

The only problem is, they both fell in love while one of them was married to a woman. Now that woman is out on her own, struggling to build a new life for herself and wondering if she'll ever be able to forget the betrayal. She has doubts about whether she will be able to trust another man again.

Her gay ex, however, has never missed a beat and keeps house with his male partner who, according to the neighbors, scandalizes the neighborhood by doing yard work in hot pants.

It seems the gay boyfriend is ten years younger and blond. So you see, wives of straight men aren't the only ones left for a younger model.

I doubt either will ever take responsiblity for the hurt they've caused, the devastation they've left in the wake and the embarrassment they've caused the older man's grown children, not to mention his ex-wife.

The woman knows her ex-husband is sorry -- the sorriest piece of trailer park white trash she's ever seen.

But the bigger question is this: Is he remotely sorry he behaved like a whore?

Your Cheatin' Heart

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Welcome Readers!

Many thanks to Bonnie Kaye for including my blog in her most recent newsletter.  Since then, I've had hits from the US, the United Kingdom, Canada, Sweden and Poland.  I've also had several heartwrenching emails from other straight wives.

Please feel free to comment.  I've left the comments so you can comment anonymously or with a pseudonym.

And if you'd like an anonymous venue to tell your story and get it off your chest, leave a comment or email me and I'll let you take center stage for a day.

Decoding the lingo

On the Resources page, I list a number of gay dating sites frequented by married gay men.  They use these websites to search for and hook up with other men.  My ex-husband used several of them, and when I found his accounts, I had to decode the lingo used by the gay population.

Here's an example of a headline from one man's listing: 

Discrete, DDF For Safe Fun

So what does it mean?  DDF means Drug and Disease Free.

Here's another:

Looking for NSA fun, no PNP or LTR.  Into watersports and poppers. 

NSA means No Strings Attached.  PNP is "Party and Play," which means drugs are involved.  LTR is a Long Term Relationship.  Watersports has nothing to do with a swimming pool and everything to do with urine.  I'll quote from Wikipedia with regard to poppers.  "Poppers is a slang term for various alkyl nitrites inhaled for recreational purposes... and are often inhaled with the goal of enhancing sexual pleasure." "Inhaling nitrites relaxes smooth muscles throughout the body, including the sphincter muscles of the anus.... It is unclear if there is a direct effect on the brain. Smooth muscle surrounds the body's blood vessels and when relaxed causes these vessels to dilate resulting in an immediate increase in heart rate and blood flow throughout the body, producing a sensation of heat and excitement that usually lasts for a couple of minutes. Alkyl nitrites are often used as a club drug or to enhance a sexual experience. The head rush, euphoria, and other sensations that result from the increased heart rate are often felt to increase sexual arousal and desire."


Remember that scene in "Something's Gotta Give" where Keanu Reeves asks Jack Nicholson if he's taken Viagra because he's getting ready to administer nitro glycerine? These two drugs don't mix well because both affect blood pressure and the combination can be deadly.

Poppers are in the same drug class as nitroglycerine and many gay men use Viagra, Cialis and other drugs for erectile dysfunction. They are setting themselves up for disaster. Poppers are often sold in sex shops and marketed as liquid incense or even vinyl cleaner.   If you find a small brown bottle that looks like this in your husband's belongings, he's using poppers.  The bottle is only about 2-3 inches tall.

Men will refer to themselves as bottoms, tops or versatile.  A bottom is the anal receptive partner and is the one most at risk for HIV.  A top is a man who plays the traditional male role in the sex act.  Versatile means a man will take either role.

But remember that these men lie in their profiles.  They've lied about being gay, so why would you expect them to be honest about their age, the size of their genitals, their marital status or whether they have HIV.

I'll give you a sad example.  While posing as a gay man on one of these sites and messaging back and forth with my ex, I asked why he didn't have an HIV status listed in his profile.  His reply was that people lied all the time so he just didn't include it in his profile.  "All I can tell you," he said, "is I tested negative in April 2009."

What he neglected to mention is that he tested positive several months later.

Questions?  Leave them in the comments section and I'll do my best to answer them.

Lest I Be Accused of Being Homophobic...

Let me assure you I am not. I have many gay and lesbian friends. My problem is with men who know they are gay and choose to marry, thus stealing years away from a woman -- years when she could have been with someone who loved her the way a woman deserves to be loved. Not years being used as a beard to make a man socially acceptable. Not years filled with bad sex that makes a woman feel like she's the one who has a problem with sexuality.

Rick Welts, the president of the Phoenix Suns basketball team, recently revealed he's gay. And the world seems to find this remarkable.

I find it unremarkable. He's gay. So what? That's the way he's hardwired and it can't be changed. The political and religious right would have you believe otherwise, silly ignorant twits that they are.

I saw this comment on a post about Welts coming out.

Moronic neanderthals are whining about gays being an abomination against God, yet these same idiots will blindly worship false sports idols who :
1. Physically and emotionally abuse women
2. Practice greed and self- indulgence
3. Cheat on their wives and girlfriends
4. Abuse their own bodies with alcohol and drugs
5. Commit random acts of violence
6. Show poor examples of sportsmanship and fair play
7. Consistently show a lack of maturity and self- control

Can I get an amen?

And what about all the religious and political conservatives who do the same?  Think Ted Haggard, Jim Bakker, Jimmy Swaggart, Newt Gingrich, Rush Limbaugh and the list goes on and on and on.

Bibliotherapy

In addition to seeing an attorney and a counselor, I also did a lot of reading on the subject of divorce. I knew absolutely nothing about divorce since I never planned on getting one.  I had to do all my reading either online or at the bookstore. I couldn't risk bringing any books on divorce into the house because several months went by between discovering my husband was gay and unfaithful and confronting him with what I knew. I could not risk having him find out I was on to him.

One of the most valuable books I read was Infidelity Sleuth by Julia Hartley Moore. Here are the notes I took as I read the book and nursed a latte.

If you have nothing to hide, you hide nothing.

Infidelity = lack of respect for the wife

Reasons not to act are all based on fear. Take back the power and make a stand. Stop making excuses. He just wants someone to look after him.

Stop being a martyr. You can only change YOU.

Believe in yourself. Know your self-worth. Put yourself first and respect yourself.

Share the problem with someone else. This helps you stop accepting the lies.

Don’t spill the beans until you have a plan of action.

Don’t hold back information from a private investigator or your attorney.

Do not buy into your unfaithful spouse’s remorse or accept their behavior.

Don’t accept any blame. Always bring the subject back to his indiscretion and give him NO sympathy.

Marriage = a contract. An affair is a breach of that contract.

The best barometer for the future is the past. If he’s cheated before, he will cheat again.

Grief is part of the process. Go with it and get over it so you can heal. Participate in a grief recovery program.

Find a good counselor. He/she must have the same belief system as you for the therapy to work.

There are four requirements for a relationship: respect, trust, love and commitment. None of these are negotiable.

The line she repeated throughout the book was this: If you have nothing to hide, you hide nothing.

Let me repeat it:

If you have nothing to hide, you hide nothing.

The other bit of advice that I cannot emphasize enough is this:  Don’t spill the beans until you have a plan of action.

Too many women learn their husband is gay and cheating and engage in a verbal assault on him.  Once he knows that you know, the warfare begins and can include everything from locking you out of the checking accounts to pillaging retirement money and covering his tracks.  You definitely want to get all the information on his gay activities that you can, so you may have to spend a while pretending life is "normal" while you  play sleuth and document his behavior for your attorney.  Believe me, if you can do it yourself, it's lots cheaper than hiring a private investigator.

I'll share some sleuthing tips in a later post.

Celebrating an Anniversary

Two years ago my ex-husband met the love of his life.

Two years ago I learned my ex-husband is gay.

Last week would have been my wedding anniversary.

I had always thought he was an honorable man. I thought he would make everything right.

When I confronted him, he was dead silent. And I learned I was dead wrong about him.

He told me later he'd struggled for years with his sexual orientation. Why did he have to drag me into his struggle? Why did he have to take away most of my adult life?

I hope to blog here regularly about life as the spouse -- or more accurately ex-spouse -- of a gay man. I have some information to share as a result of my experience. I have some insight to offer in the aftermath. I hope I can make a difference to some other woman who finds out her husband -- the man she married for better or worse, forsaking all others, the man she thought loved her and her alone -- is having sex with other men.