But he's married!

Last Sunday night, Bonnie Kaye shared from this website on her radio show.

Married Gay

There's a wealth of information there for the wife who thinks her husband might be gay. It's worth checking out if you have doubts. I am one of the millions of women in the United States who discovered her husband was gay. I never had a clue, and even looking back in hindsight, there wasn't anything specific I could put my finger on that would have made me suspect before I found hard evidence. He was simply a good liar.

Too bad his nose didn't grow like Pinocchio's. It would have made things so much easier. Even after admitting he was gay, he still tried to gaslight * me and make me think I was crazy. Thankfully I had enough evidence that I didn't fall prey to his attempts. I stayed the course and pursued a divorce. It wasn't an easy path to take, but it was the best one. I could not remain married to a man who has so little respect for me and who found it so easy to act in such a dangerous and reprehensible manner.

And speaking of Bonnie's radio show, it's a terrific resource too. If you scroll to the bottom of the page, you can find an archive of past shows. She has men and women who come on the show to share, and yours truly has also called in a few times to talk about my experience.

* From Wikipedia: Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse in which false information is presented with the intent of making a victim doubt his or her own memory and perception. It may simply be the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, or it could be the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim.

The term "gaslighting" comes from the play Gas Light and its film adaptations. In those works a character uses a variety of tricks to convince his spouse that she is crazy, so that she won't be believed when she reports strange things that are genuinely occurring, including the dimming of the gas lamps in the house (which happens when her husband turns on the normally unused gas lamps in the attic to conduct clandestine activities there). Since then, it has become a colloquial expression that is now also used in clinical and research literature.

Guys Like Him

Here's another blog I found.

Beware!  This blog link is not safe for work.

Guys Like Me:  For married men exploring their sexual interests in guys


He writes:

I feel so alive with Jake, ageless and without any pressing concerns. Then he leaves and I confront myself in the mirror and remember how much of my life has already been laid like a rigid mortared brick wall in a pattern of cells and chambers from which it seems I will never break free. And why break out really? There is comfort and history and predictable stimulation within the elegant tasteful chambers I have created. What lies outside is as likely to be barren soil and rocky shoals sprayed with icy storms, as it is to be that imagined Nirvana.


The Eden I seek is not just sex with men in the bright sunlight of openness. That ability to have sex with men, and real emotional ties, is a manifestation of freedom. The freedom to be sexual with men is the current alluring prospect, but not in and of itself the golden chalice. The Chalice is to finally feel resolved. The Golden Cup is to calmly and proudly feel at peace with my intellect and spirit and body and the relationships with other people around me. In that new mental and emotional place, then I will be free to act on my desires, and while sex with men is a most immediate compelling desire, there are other desires too.

So while Jake and I ravish one another in a place of infinite possibilities, I keep returning to the chamber I made and live in when he goes home. Can I escape this masonry enclosed fate I have so artfully constructed to date? Jake and I know and accept that we will live this moment by moment, but there is an end point when I leave this town, or my wife moves down here. We are under no illusion this is for a long haul.

I feel ecstatic and when I am with him. Then in the periods between his visits I reflect and the picture is not good. I can go through these nearly violent body shaking spinouts and wail and weep at the sense I have divined this fate, and that the time is over to make big changes. In a comment a month ago, fan of casey wondered, have I looked into the future, and envisioned the inevitable conversation I may have with my wife Anonymous wrote in a prior post, I should write clearly and say what I want. Do I want to tell my wife I need men? I have been looking more beyond that point of talking to her, to what might motivate me to have that talk, or not. To ask for permission to have men, is to believe you can find them and that will bring the meaning you lack into your life. That is a huge expectation and I simply don’t have the imagination or self-confidence to believe it is possible. Beneath all, for such a liberal and accepting guy when it comes to others, I hold no positive images of aging gay lovers or partners.

I started this blog with the simple question, can I be married and have sex with men?

This blog, too, is littered with erotic photos of men.

Let me answer the question for you, blogger.

Yes, you can be married and have sex with men.

Now I'll ask you a question. Is it right for you to do this to your wife?

And I'll answer.

No.

What's YOUR answer?

Straight? I think not.

When you find a blog for one man who claims to be straight but is really gay, you'll usually find links to other blogs of the same genre.  Here's another in the series of posts about these men who claim to be straight.

Beware!  This blog link is not safe for work.

Confessions of a Straight Guy:  My journey to figure out myself..and my attractions to men.


His blog includes accounts of his encounters with other men, photos of naked men and the blogs he follows is like a laundry list of gay-dom with such titles as Anonymous Sex with Men, Barebackin' in Texas and Public Gay Sex.  His profile says it's his secret blog where he can express how he really feels.

This dude needs to get off at the next stop along his journey because he's arrived at his destination:  gay.

When you have sex with other men, ogle photos of naked men and follow the blogs of gay men, that's a darn good indicator that you too are of the gay persuasion.

And to make matters worse, he's married.  He's another gay man stealing the life away from a woman.

Get real, man, and do the right thing.

Tell your wife and then let her go so she can be loved by a man who loves women.  Do YOU agree?

Gimme a *&^%&ing break!

From Straight Guise

It's not a gay thing, it's a guy thing!

Straight Guise is about straight men who have sex with men (SMSM) who question their sexual orientation and are not gay. It is about the many reasons men engage in sexual contact with other men that are not about a homosexual identity.

Straight men cannot become gay and gay men cannot become straight. Gay men are not gay due to complicated childhood experiences such as sexual abuse or problematic parenting. Science is increasingly pointing to the evidence that gay men are born that way.

There is a significant difference between sexual identity, sexual behavior and sexual fantasy and Straight Guise helps teach what these are.  

Become the man you were meant to be!

Written from Dr. Joe Kort's perspective as an openly gay psychotherapist who has counseled thousands of sexually confused men over the years, Straight Guise shows how this phenomenon crosses all ethnicities and cultures. Not a week goes by when I don’t receive distressed emails or phone calls from heterosexual men who worry they might be gay and from wives who have discovered their husbands engaged in gay hookups and relationships or exploring gay porn.

Written from Dr. Joe Kort's perspective as an openly gay psychotherapist who has counseled thousands of sexually confused men over the years, Straight Guise intends to help readers just as I have helped my clients, first by separating the two types of men in the world: There are men who are gay and bisexual and then there are heterosexual men who seek out sex with other men.

The difference is one of sexual preference versus sexual identity. Sexual Preferences are about various desires, positions and fantasies one has whereas sexual identity is about how one self-identities in terms of straight, gay, or bisexual.

Straight Guise is not about Reparative Therapy which is harmful. It also is not a site about only pathologizing straight men who have sex with men. It is focused on understanding and differentiating sexual orientaion, sexual acting out normal sexual interest heterosexual men have in sexual contact with other men.

IMHO, if it walks like a duck and it quacks like a duck and it looks like a duck, it's a duck.  If a man has sex with other men (except in certain situations like prison where sex with men becomes a survival technique) he is gay.  Period.

It's malarkey like this that makes gay husbands feel like what they have done is okay.  This man writes for Psychology Today, which just made me re-think my opinion of that magazine.  No respectable psychologist buys into this "sex with men for the heck of it" philosophy.

Dr. Kort gets two thumbs down from me. 

FINALLY! Someone "gets" it.

Another review, but this is from someone who understands our plight.

Fran Drescher May Be “Happily Divorced,” But Not All Ex-Wives Are So Thrilled

Posted by carolyncastiglia on June 15th, 2011 at 9:49 pm

Fran Drescher, best known for her starring role in 90′s sitcom “The Nanny,” appeared on Good Morning America yesterday to talk about her latest television project, “Happily Divorced,” premiering tonight at 10:30 pm on TV Land. In it, Drescher plays an L.A. florist whose husband ends their decades-long marriage when he comes out of the closet.

“Happily Divorced” was created and written by Drescher and her real-life husband of 21 years, Peter Marc Jacobson, who also co-created “The Nanny.” It just so happens that two years after Drescher and Jacobson divorced, Jacobson announced that he’s gay. Drescher credits her uterine cancer survival with having “re-calibrated” her life with her ex, allowing them to become friends. She swears they didn’t divorce because her ex was gay, which is maybe why she’s not bitter about it. But Drescher does admit to missing some red flags while she was married to Jacobson. She told the Huffington Post, “He was very into my wardrobe, picking out my clothes, buying my clothes, picking out my shoes, discussing my makeup. But he was a very controlling person, and I kind of assumed it was him being a Svengali, which he was. He was also very into musicals, show tunes, Judy Garland, Diana Ross, Cher.” But, she says, “At the time, the ‘metrosexual’ was becoming a part of pop culture, so I chalked it up to that,” a sentiment she repeated on GMA.

Drescher should count herself one of the lucky ones, if not the luckiest broad to ever have been married to a gay man. Sure, Hollywood is rife with starlets who’ve survived marriages to boys who like boys: Judy Garland, Liza Minnelli, (like mother, like daughter!) Carrie Fisher, Katie Holmes (okay, okay)… but not every woman gets out of a “Brokeback Marriage” so unscathed.

Juliet Jeske, a friend of mine who sings and hosts burlesque shows in downtown Manhattan, says the concept of “Happily Divorced” makes her cringe. Jeske ended her marriage about two years ago, after her husband told her he was gay. “I am going to my support group for straight spouses tonight and the group is already talking about it,” she says. “Although I still love my ex-husband and consider him my friend my divorce has been devastating.” Like Drescher, Jeske worked closely with her ex-husband, and she says, “Since our split, my income has been nearly wiped out.” She adds, “I also can’t figure out dating at all so… I wouldn’t say I was happily divorced.”

According to The New York Times, there are up to “3.4 million American women who once were or are now married to men who have sex with men.” The Times article on the subject, written in 2006, one year after “Brokeback Mountain” was released and two years after the Jim McGreevey scandal, seems largely biased toward gay men who feel compelled to lie to the women they marry. “On the whole these are not marriages of convenience or cynical efforts to create cover,” the article contends. “Gay and bisexual men continue to marry for complex reasons, many impelled not only by discrimination, but also by wishful thinking, the layered ambiguities of sexual love and authentic affection.”

The article goes on to quote Joe Kort, a clinical social worker in Royal Oak, MI, as saying, “These men genuinely love their wives. They fall in love with their wives, they have children, they’re on a chemical, romantic high, and then after about seven years, the high falls away and their gay identity starts emerging. They don’t mean any harm.”

Kort then goes on to essentially blame the female victims in these mixed-orientation marriages, saying, “Straight people rarely marry gay people accidentally. Some women find gay men less judgmental and more flexible, while others unconsciously seek partnerships that are not sexually passionate.”

Michele Weiner-Davis, marriage therapist and author, counters Kort by calling his conjecture “psychobabble.” She says, “A lot of gay people don’t know they’re gay. So how in the world are their spouses supposed to have some sort of gaydar? Therapists should deal with the real issues — the shock to her system, that her husband wasn’t who she thought he was and the impact on her own identity.”

That shock to the system is what the premise of “Happily Divorced” seems to overlook. (He’s gay but it’s no problem, we’re just going to set each other up with guys from now on and be best friends like nothing ever happened!) Please. After all, a gay man leaving a mixed-orientation marriage has the excitement of sexual discovery to look forward to, while the woman he leaves feels washed-up, confused and alone. Kiri Blakeley, Forbes blogger and author of Can’t Think Straight, A Memoir of Mixed Up Love, knows all about being left behind in a blur, her husband suddenly craving – of all things – a bear. Blakeley’s husband came out to her – and himself – after a decade of marriage. Blakeley writes:

I didn’t see much bleakness in Aaron’s future. He was cute and hetero looking and acting. Men would be all over him. His friends were not homophobic and would all support him. His family might be shocked, but they too would come around because Aaron was such a sweet, lovable guy (not to mention he had a gay sister who had not been ostracized). Within a year, he’d be living in Chelsea with his hair- stylist boyfriend, wearing muscle shirts and walking his poodle. Meanwhile, I’d be the head case who scares away men due to my tendency to scream Areyougayareyougayareyougay? If they prefer a Seinfeld rerun instead of sex. You hear that cliché: feeling like you’re in a waking nightmare. And so it was. I sat in a chair across from Aaron with my bare knees pulled up under my chin, frantically wondering, “When will I wake up from this? None of this can be real.”

- From CAN’T THINK STRAIGHT Copyright © 2011 Kiri Blakeley. All rights reserved. Published by arrangement with Citadel Press/Kensington Publishing Corp.


So what’s my part in this, you might be wondering? Why do I care about the premise of “Happily Divorced?” Is my ex-husband gay? I don’t think so, but I often wondered while we were married if he was, since I knew in my gut he was hiding something. And that’s what brings me to my problem with “Happily Divorced.” As a woman who was lied to – albeit in a different way – for as long as Jeske and Blakeley (and thank God not as long as Drescher), I am so so so so so sick and tired of people telling me that I, too, should be in an amicable relationship with my ex. Occasional readers stumble on one post about my divorce and call me bitter or angry, then suggest that because of my supposed bitterness and anger I’m doing my child a disservice, that what I really ought to do is be kind to my ex, be friends with my ex, a man who lied to me for ten years. Um, no thanks. And anyone who can suggest I should “make an effort to maintain a respectful relationship” with my ex has clearly never been betrayed in the eviscerating, identity-destroying way I was, and I think Jeske and Blakeley were, too. What I don’t understand is why Drescher seems so okay about her divorce, but maybe it’s because even after their break-up, her husband still holds the purse strings.

My criticism of the show’s premise aside, I do find Drescher to be a charming actress (I’ll admit to watching re-runs of “The Nanny” when I can’t sleep and nothing else is on – and besides, she was in Spinal Tap for God’s sake). I look forward to tuning in shortly to see if the comedy stylings of Drescher and her hilarious co-star (and fellow Christopher Guest collaborator) John Michael Higgins can override the objectionable premise. (Oddly, Higgins is straight, despite being known for playing flamboyant characters.)

THANK YOU, Ms. Castiglia!

Where Were You?

I'm a great fan of country music, and last week I was listening to Alan Jackson's song "Where Were You When the World Stopped Turning."  It's a tribute to the victims and heroes of the disaster on September 11, 2001.

As I listened to the first line of the song, my mind substituted some different words -- words that reflected my feelings and emotions of my own disaster.  And tonight I worked out an alternative lyric to the song that I hope you can relate to.

I'll post a video of Alan Jackson singing his terrific song and below that I'll post my altered lyrics.  Some of the last part are his exact words.  I'll put those in italics to give credit where credit is due.



Where were you when the world stopped turning when you learned he was gay?
Were you at the computer with email and Facebook
And you had no idea what to say?
Did you sit there in shock at the sight of his lies
Staring from the computer screen?
Did you shout out in anger, in fear for your family
Or did you just sit down and scream?


Did you weep for your children who would not understand it
Or pray it was all just a joke?
Did you ask why you’d suffered from such a betrayal
And sob til you thought you would choke?
Did you burst out in tears for the hurt you were feeling
And the anger that had filled you inside?
Did you look up to heaven for some kind of answer
For why this man had cheated and lied?


[Chorus:]
I'm just a woman of simple means
Who trusted with all of her heart
I thought I knew the man I was with
Now I don’t know just where to start
But I know Jesus and I talk to God
And I remember this from when I was young
Faith, hope and love are some good things He gave us
And the greatest is love
And the greatest is love


Where were you when the world stopped turning when you learned he was gay?

Please feel free to comment about where you were and how you found out your husband is gay. Trust me when I say that talking about it helps a lot. You don't have to put your name. You can post anonymously and no one will know it was you.

I'll start. He left his email open and I saw a series of messages between him and another man. They were very sexual in nature and completely inappropriate for a married man.

Your Cheatin' Heart

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Decoding the lingo

On the Resources page, I list a number of gay dating sites frequented by married gay men.  They use these websites to search for and hook up with other men.  My ex-husband used several of them, and when I found his accounts, I had to decode the lingo used by the gay population.

Here's an example of a headline from one man's listing: 

Discrete, DDF For Safe Fun

So what does it mean?  DDF means Drug and Disease Free.

Here's another:

Looking for NSA fun, no PNP or LTR.  Into watersports and poppers. 

NSA means No Strings Attached.  PNP is "Party and Play," which means drugs are involved.  LTR is a Long Term Relationship.  Watersports has nothing to do with a swimming pool and everything to do with urine.  I'll quote from Wikipedia with regard to poppers.  "Poppers is a slang term for various alkyl nitrites inhaled for recreational purposes... and are often inhaled with the goal of enhancing sexual pleasure." "Inhaling nitrites relaxes smooth muscles throughout the body, including the sphincter muscles of the anus.... It is unclear if there is a direct effect on the brain. Smooth muscle surrounds the body's blood vessels and when relaxed causes these vessels to dilate resulting in an immediate increase in heart rate and blood flow throughout the body, producing a sensation of heat and excitement that usually lasts for a couple of minutes. Alkyl nitrites are often used as a club drug or to enhance a sexual experience. The head rush, euphoria, and other sensations that result from the increased heart rate are often felt to increase sexual arousal and desire."


Remember that scene in "Something's Gotta Give" where Keanu Reeves asks Jack Nicholson if he's taken Viagra because he's getting ready to administer nitro glycerine? These two drugs don't mix well because both affect blood pressure and the combination can be deadly.

Poppers are in the same drug class as nitroglycerine and many gay men use Viagra, Cialis and other drugs for erectile dysfunction. They are setting themselves up for disaster. Poppers are often sold in sex shops and marketed as liquid incense or even vinyl cleaner.   If you find a small brown bottle that looks like this in your husband's belongings, he's using poppers.  The bottle is only about 2-3 inches tall.

Men will refer to themselves as bottoms, tops or versatile.  A bottom is the anal receptive partner and is the one most at risk for HIV.  A top is a man who plays the traditional male role in the sex act.  Versatile means a man will take either role.

But remember that these men lie in their profiles.  They've lied about being gay, so why would you expect them to be honest about their age, the size of their genitals, their marital status or whether they have HIV.

I'll give you a sad example.  While posing as a gay man on one of these sites and messaging back and forth with my ex, I asked why he didn't have an HIV status listed in his profile.  His reply was that people lied all the time so he just didn't include it in his profile.  "All I can tell you," he said, "is I tested negative in April 2009."

What he neglected to mention is that he tested positive several months later.

Questions?  Leave them in the comments section and I'll do my best to answer them.