You Can't Fix Stupid

Comedian Ron White is famous for his comedy routine "You can't fix stupid."

Well, here's a news flash for you: You can't fix gay either. Fix implies something is broken. Being gay isn't being broken. It's being the way God made you, even if it's different than "normal." Being gay is its own normal. I know this. Lots of people know this. But sadly, too many people in positions of power and influence continue to believe being gay is a choice and can be "fixed."

Someone directed me to the story of Kirk Murphy, a man who was part of a UCLA study conducted by George Rekers as part of his doctoral thesis.

In 1970, a well-known expert on homosexuality and transgender issues appeared on a local television talk show in Los Angeles to talk about feminine boys. He described how very young boys who behaved in a feminine manner would almost invariably grow up to become a homosexual. Alongside that expert was a gay man who described his own childhood and confirmed what the expert said. But there was hope, the expert announced. A new program at the University of California at Los Angeles would ensure these young boys grew up to become masculine, normal men. The expert gave a list of symptoms to watch out for, and urged his viewers to call him if their children exhibited the problems he described.

The mother of a four year, eleven month old boy saw that program that afternoon. She noted the list of symptoms that the expert gave and concluded that there was something seriously wrong with her son. She and her husband decided to take their young boy to UCLA for treatment to prevent him from growing up to be gay.

That young boy came under the care of a very young grad student by the name of George Alan Rekers. The boy’s treatment would become a subject of Rekers’s doctoral thesis, and the astounding success that Rekers claimed in curing the young boy would mark the start of a very impressive career. Rekers would write about “Kraig” in at least twenty publications during his career, a career which included becoming a very important activist in the promotion of anti-gay causes.

In this original BTB investigation, we speak with his family and friend who knew the real “Kraig” to uncover the truth behind Reker’s greatest success story. Their stories reveals the tragedy of a terrible experiment on a very young boy which would haunt him for the rest of his life. It is not only an indictment of a man who built his anti-gay career on Kirk’s suffering, but a rebuke to others — those in the mental health profession then and in the contemporary ex-gay movement today — who would place their careers and agendas ahead of the well-being of this young boy and countless others like him.

I think it's interesting to note that George Rekers, a psychologist and ordained Southern Baptist minister, was caught last year returning from a European vacation with a male escort he found on rentboy.com. The escort has claimed that Rekers is in fact gay.

In my humble opinion, maybe if folks would stop trying to fix something that's not broken, gay men would stop marrying straight women and messing up their lives. I've already blogged about religious hypocrisy and the Rekers story was part of it. I find this interesting, especially in light of a recent article in Psychology Today where homophobic men were found to be highly aroused by gay porn.

Go figure.

Oh good grief!

In her 1969 book On Death and Dying, Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross introduced the concept of the Five Stages of Grief.  She had interviewed five hundred dying patients and discerned five distinct stages through which these people processed their impending death.

These five stages have since been applied to people suffering from other forms of loss, including divorce.

The stages as identified by Dr. Kubler-Ross are

• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression
• Acceptance

And this is my journey through these stages.

Three days before several Christmases ago, I had to do some work on my husband's computer, and when I closed down the program I was using, his email program was open to a long thread of messages between him and another man.  The theme of the messages was very sexual in nature, and I sat stunned as I read them.  The message was very clear:  my husband was gay.  But it was three days before Christmas, I had family coming in and I didn't have time to deal with it. 

So I began my reign as the Queen of Denial.  I had a shiny crown and a sparkly sceptre and I went right on with my Christmas plans.  Then Christmas was over, New Year's came and went, I undecked the halls and I still stayed in denial.  We had a vacation to the Caribbean planned for the first of February and in the back of my mind I knew that might be the last great vacation I ever had.  So I kept on denying until we got back home.

He left on a business trip the day after we returned, and I tried to see if I could get back into his email.  I could, and that's where I found enough evidence to bury him and to turn my world completely upside down.  There were not only emails between him and a number of men, but also information about a website called Manhunt.  It's an online gay site and he used it to connect with men both in our hometown and in towns where he travelled on business.  There's a link to Manhunt and other gay hook-up sites on the Resources page.

The information I discovered was far bigger than my ability to deny it, and I moved into the anger stage.  How DARE he do this to our family!  And how dare he lie to me, fuss at me about my household spending while he was spending money at the local sex shop and bring men home to have sex in our marital bed when I was visiting family.

I'm still very much in the anger stage because he's refused to take any responsibility for his actions.  It's all my fault.  I'm also angry because he's moved on into a relationship with a man who's ten years younger.  It's as if I never existed.  He's soooooooooooooo in love and sooooooooooooooo happy.

And I'm just collateral damage.

I did my share of bargaining too, but not with him.  I remember sitting at a stoplight on my way home from being tested for STDs and telling God if He'd let me test negative for herpes, hepatitis and HIV, He could let me have syphillis because I could cure that.

No one should ever have to bargain like that.

I've never sunk into full-blown depression, but I do have periods of extreme sadness.  I've lost the life I had and I moved out of my dream house.  The future I imagined we'd have together is gone.  My future is now just a big question mark.  Financially, I am okay, and in a perfect world, my financial situation would stay the same and I'd be okay forever.  But the world isn't perfect.  Despite an award of lifetime alimony, I expect him to take me back to court when he thinks he's ready to retire and to ask for a reduction.  I've been told by several legal specialists, that a lifetime alimony award has never been overturned in this state.  I've also been told that when I tell my side of the story at that possible alimony reduction hearing, no judge would rule against me. 

Instead of depression, I just have major stress.  It's wreaked havoc on my body, causing cortisol-related weight gain and gastro-intestinal problems.  Meditation and massage work along with prescription medications for irritable bowel syndrome help, but the worries are always there in the back of my mind.

The final stage is acceptance, and I came to that stage once I was convinced he was gay and once I learned he'd been living a secret life of one-night stands and reckless sex for years.  I knew I couldn't stay married to him (though I did express in some early emails to my best friend that I thought divorce would reward him and punish me). 

Along the way, I consulted with and ultimately hired a divorce attorney, confronted my husband about his behavior and we were divorced.  It began as an uncontested divorce but turned ugly when he realized he was going to have to pay for his misbehavior -- literally.  I moved out of the house and into an apartment and began life as a single woman -- something I'd never done before since I went from living at home with my parents to living in a college dorm to being married.

Divorce had never been in my vocabulary because I married for life.  But mine wasn't a marriage at all.  Instead, it was one person taking advantage of another's blind trust and abusing that trust in order to pursue his own selfish wants. 

I'm blessed with a supportive family and friends.  My grown children don't know the gory details of their father's behavior, but he did finally out himself to them.  As it turns out, one of my children already suspected because he'd found gay pornography hidden years ago.  I hate that he had to carry that secret with him for so many years.  Fortunately, I've always had a very strong bond with my children and that hasn't changed.  But life is awkward now.  At holidays they have to decide which days to spend with me and which with their dad since they both live out of town.  I took the high road and never bad-mouthed their father to them because he is still their father.  But the days of happy Thanksgiving dinners with all of us around the table are gone.  I can't be accepting of his partner since this man knowingly had an affair with a married man.  That speaks to his character, and as far as I'm concerned, the man has no character.

Take a look at the stages of grief.  Figure out where you stand with them and work your way through them because if you don't, or if you get stuck in a stage, you run the risk of getting into another bad relationship or never finding happiness in your life again -- whether single or married.

Pardon me while I puke

I saw this on the Facebook page of a gay man who's in a relationship with another gay man.

Falling in love is easy, but STAYING in love is something very special!

The only problem is, they both fell in love while one of them was married to a woman. Now that woman is out on her own, struggling to build a new life for herself and wondering if she'll ever be able to forget the betrayal. She has doubts about whether she will be able to trust another man again.

Her gay ex, however, has never missed a beat and keeps house with his male partner who, according to the neighbors, scandalizes the neighborhood by doing yard work in hot pants.

It seems the gay boyfriend is ten years younger and blond. So you see, wives of straight men aren't the only ones left for a younger model.

I doubt either will ever take responsiblity for the hurt they've caused, the devastation they've left in the wake and the embarrassment they've caused the older man's grown children, not to mention his ex-wife.

The woman knows her ex-husband is sorry -- the sorriest piece of trailer park white trash she's ever seen.

But the bigger question is this: Is he remotely sorry he behaved like a whore?

Bibliotherapy

In addition to seeing an attorney and a counselor, I also did a lot of reading on the subject of divorce. I knew absolutely nothing about divorce since I never planned on getting one.  I had to do all my reading either online or at the bookstore. I couldn't risk bringing any books on divorce into the house because several months went by between discovering my husband was gay and unfaithful and confronting him with what I knew. I could not risk having him find out I was on to him.

One of the most valuable books I read was Infidelity Sleuth by Julia Hartley Moore. Here are the notes I took as I read the book and nursed a latte.

If you have nothing to hide, you hide nothing.

Infidelity = lack of respect for the wife

Reasons not to act are all based on fear. Take back the power and make a stand. Stop making excuses. He just wants someone to look after him.

Stop being a martyr. You can only change YOU.

Believe in yourself. Know your self-worth. Put yourself first and respect yourself.

Share the problem with someone else. This helps you stop accepting the lies.

Don’t spill the beans until you have a plan of action.

Don’t hold back information from a private investigator or your attorney.

Do not buy into your unfaithful spouse’s remorse or accept their behavior.

Don’t accept any blame. Always bring the subject back to his indiscretion and give him NO sympathy.

Marriage = a contract. An affair is a breach of that contract.

The best barometer for the future is the past. If he’s cheated before, he will cheat again.

Grief is part of the process. Go with it and get over it so you can heal. Participate in a grief recovery program.

Find a good counselor. He/she must have the same belief system as you for the therapy to work.

There are four requirements for a relationship: respect, trust, love and commitment. None of these are negotiable.

The line she repeated throughout the book was this: If you have nothing to hide, you hide nothing.

Let me repeat it:

If you have nothing to hide, you hide nothing.

The other bit of advice that I cannot emphasize enough is this:  Don’t spill the beans until you have a plan of action.

Too many women learn their husband is gay and cheating and engage in a verbal assault on him.  Once he knows that you know, the warfare begins and can include everything from locking you out of the checking accounts to pillaging retirement money and covering his tracks.  You definitely want to get all the information on his gay activities that you can, so you may have to spend a while pretending life is "normal" while you  play sleuth and document his behavior for your attorney.  Believe me, if you can do it yourself, it's lots cheaper than hiring a private investigator.

I'll share some sleuthing tips in a later post.

Celebrating an Anniversary

Two years ago my ex-husband met the love of his life.

Two years ago I learned my ex-husband is gay.

Last week would have been my wedding anniversary.

I had always thought he was an honorable man. I thought he would make everything right.

When I confronted him, he was dead silent. And I learned I was dead wrong about him.

He told me later he'd struggled for years with his sexual orientation. Why did he have to drag me into his struggle? Why did he have to take away most of my adult life?

I hope to blog here regularly about life as the spouse -- or more accurately ex-spouse -- of a gay man. I have some information to share as a result of my experience. I have some insight to offer in the aftermath. I hope I can make a difference to some other woman who finds out her husband -- the man she married for better or worse, forsaking all others, the man she thought loved her and her alone -- is having sex with other men.

Fairy Tales

When I was a little girl, I believed in fairy tales.  I thought you could meet your Prince Charming and live happily ever after.  Then my fairy tale turned into a "fairy" tale.  I discovered my husband was gay and had been having gay affairs for the past four years.

Almost two years ago I visited my attorney for the second time and signed a contract to hire her to represent me in a divorce action.  Five months prior, I had stumbled across emails on my husband's computer that had led me to believe he'd been living a secret life.  A secret homosexual life.

As much as I didn't want to believe it, and as hard as I tried to deny it, the evidence I discovered could only mean one thing:  my husband was gay and he'd been having affairs with men for at least four years prior to my discovery.

That discovery began a two-year journey of self-discovery, the stages of grief, finding others in my same situation and realizing I wasn't going crazy.  I also called another friend and asked for the name of a good counselor. 

I am divorced now, and the road to the divorce was not an easy one.

This blog will tell my story and how I've tried to emerge from the situation as a whole person.