In her 1969 book On Death and Dying, Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross introduced the concept of the Five Stages of Grief. She had interviewed five hundred dying patients and discerned five distinct stages through which these people processed their impending death.
These five stages have since been applied to people suffering from other forms of loss, including divorce.
The stages as identified by Dr. Kubler-Ross are
- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Depression
- Acceptance
So I began my reign as the Queen of Denial. I had a shiny crown and a sparkly sceptre and I went right on with my Christmas plans. Then Christmas was over, New Year's came and went, I undecked the halls and I still stayed in denial. We had a vacation to the Caribbean planned for the first of February and in the back of my mind I knew that might be the last great vacation I ever had. So I kept on denying until we got back home.
He left on a business trip the day after we returned, and I tried to see if I could get back into his email. I could, and that's where I found enough evidence to bury him and to turn my world completely upside down. There were not only emails between him and a number of men, but also information about a website called Manhunt. It's an online gay site and he used it to connect with men both in our hometown and in towns where he travelled on business. There's a link to Manhunt and other gay hook-up sites on the Resources page.
The information I discovered was far bigger than my ability to deny it, and I moved into the anger stage. How DARE he do this to our family! And how dare he lie to me, fuss at me about my household spending while he was spending money at the local sex shop and bring men home to have sex in our marital bed when I was visiting family.
I'm still very much in the anger stage because he's refused to take any responsibility for his actions. It's all my fault. I'm also angry because he's moved on into a relationship with a man who's ten years younger. It's as if I never existed. He's soooooooooooooo in love and sooooooooooooooo happy.
And I'm just collateral damage.
I did my share of bargaining too, but not with him. I remember sitting at a stoplight on my way home from being tested for STDs and telling God if He'd let me test negative for herpes, hepatitis and HIV, He could let me have syphillis because I could cure that.
No one should ever have to bargain like that.
I've never sunk into full-blown depression, but I do have periods of extreme sadness. I've lost the life I had and I moved out of my dream house. The future I imagined we'd have together is gone. My future is now just a big question mark. Financially, I am okay, and in a perfect world, my financial situation would stay the same and I'd be okay forever. But the world isn't perfect. Despite an award of lifetime alimony, I expect him to take me back to court when he thinks he's ready to retire and to ask for a reduction. I've been told by several legal specialists, that a lifetime alimony award has never been overturned in this state. I've also been told that when I tell my side of the story at that possible alimony reduction hearing, no judge would rule against me.
Instead of depression, I just have major stress. It's wreaked havoc on my body, causing cortisol-related weight gain and gastro-intestinal problems. Meditation and massage work along with prescription medications for irritable bowel syndrome help, but the worries are always there in the back of my mind.
The final stage is acceptance, and I came to that stage once I was convinced he was gay and once I learned he'd been living a secret life of one-night stands and reckless sex for years. I knew I couldn't stay married to him (though I did express in some early emails to my best friend that I thought divorce would reward him and punish me).
Along the way, I consulted with and ultimately hired a divorce attorney, confronted my husband about his behavior and we were divorced. It began as an uncontested divorce but turned ugly when he realized he was going to have to pay for his misbehavior -- literally. I moved out of the house and into an apartment and began life as a single woman -- something I'd never done before since I went from living at home with my parents to living in a college dorm to being married.
Divorce had never been in my vocabulary because I married for life. But mine wasn't a marriage at all. Instead, it was one person taking advantage of another's blind trust and abusing that trust in order to pursue his own selfish wants.
I'm blessed with a supportive family and friends. My grown children don't know the gory details of their father's behavior, but he did finally out himself to them. As it turns out, one of my children already suspected because he'd found gay pornography hidden years ago. I hate that he had to carry that secret with him for so many years. Fortunately, I've always had a very strong bond with my children and that hasn't changed. But life is awkward now. At holidays they have to decide which days to spend with me and which with their dad since they both live out of town. I took the high road and never bad-mouthed their father to them because he is still their father. But the days of happy Thanksgiving dinners with all of us around the table are gone. I can't be accepting of his partner since this man knowingly had an affair with a married man. That speaks to his character, and as far as I'm concerned, the man has no character.
Take a look at the stages of grief. Figure out where you stand with them and work your way through them because if you don't, or if you get stuck in a stage, you run the risk of getting into another bad relationship or never finding happiness in your life again -- whether single or married.
Instead of depression, I just have major stress. It's wreaked havoc on my body, causing cortisol-related weight gain and gastro-intestinal problems. Meditation and massage work along with prescription medications for irritable bowel syndrome help, but the worries are always there in the back of my mind.
The final stage is acceptance, and I came to that stage once I was convinced he was gay and once I learned he'd been living a secret life of one-night stands and reckless sex for years. I knew I couldn't stay married to him (though I did express in some early emails to my best friend that I thought divorce would reward him and punish me).
Along the way, I consulted with and ultimately hired a divorce attorney, confronted my husband about his behavior and we were divorced. It began as an uncontested divorce but turned ugly when he realized he was going to have to pay for his misbehavior -- literally. I moved out of the house and into an apartment and began life as a single woman -- something I'd never done before since I went from living at home with my parents to living in a college dorm to being married.
Divorce had never been in my vocabulary because I married for life. But mine wasn't a marriage at all. Instead, it was one person taking advantage of another's blind trust and abusing that trust in order to pursue his own selfish wants.
I'm blessed with a supportive family and friends. My grown children don't know the gory details of their father's behavior, but he did finally out himself to them. As it turns out, one of my children already suspected because he'd found gay pornography hidden years ago. I hate that he had to carry that secret with him for so many years. Fortunately, I've always had a very strong bond with my children and that hasn't changed. But life is awkward now. At holidays they have to decide which days to spend with me and which with their dad since they both live out of town. I took the high road and never bad-mouthed their father to them because he is still their father. But the days of happy Thanksgiving dinners with all of us around the table are gone. I can't be accepting of his partner since this man knowingly had an affair with a married man. That speaks to his character, and as far as I'm concerned, the man has no character.
Take a look at the stages of grief. Figure out where you stand with them and work your way through them because if you don't, or if you get stuck in a stage, you run the risk of getting into another bad relationship or never finding happiness in your life again -- whether single or married.
No comments:
Post a Comment