You Can't Fix Stupid

Comedian Ron White is famous for his comedy routine "You can't fix stupid."

Well, here's a news flash for you: You can't fix gay either. Fix implies something is broken. Being gay isn't being broken. It's being the way God made you, even if it's different than "normal." Being gay is its own normal. I know this. Lots of people know this. But sadly, too many people in positions of power and influence continue to believe being gay is a choice and can be "fixed."

Someone directed me to the story of Kirk Murphy, a man who was part of a UCLA study conducted by George Rekers as part of his doctoral thesis.

In 1970, a well-known expert on homosexuality and transgender issues appeared on a local television talk show in Los Angeles to talk about feminine boys. He described how very young boys who behaved in a feminine manner would almost invariably grow up to become a homosexual. Alongside that expert was a gay man who described his own childhood and confirmed what the expert said. But there was hope, the expert announced. A new program at the University of California at Los Angeles would ensure these young boys grew up to become masculine, normal men. The expert gave a list of symptoms to watch out for, and urged his viewers to call him if their children exhibited the problems he described.

The mother of a four year, eleven month old boy saw that program that afternoon. She noted the list of symptoms that the expert gave and concluded that there was something seriously wrong with her son. She and her husband decided to take their young boy to UCLA for treatment to prevent him from growing up to be gay.

That young boy came under the care of a very young grad student by the name of George Alan Rekers. The boy’s treatment would become a subject of Rekers’s doctoral thesis, and the astounding success that Rekers claimed in curing the young boy would mark the start of a very impressive career. Rekers would write about “Kraig” in at least twenty publications during his career, a career which included becoming a very important activist in the promotion of anti-gay causes.

In this original BTB investigation, we speak with his family and friend who knew the real “Kraig” to uncover the truth behind Reker’s greatest success story. Their stories reveals the tragedy of a terrible experiment on a very young boy which would haunt him for the rest of his life. It is not only an indictment of a man who built his anti-gay career on Kirk’s suffering, but a rebuke to others — those in the mental health profession then and in the contemporary ex-gay movement today — who would place their careers and agendas ahead of the well-being of this young boy and countless others like him.

I think it's interesting to note that George Rekers, a psychologist and ordained Southern Baptist minister, was caught last year returning from a European vacation with a male escort he found on rentboy.com. The escort has claimed that Rekers is in fact gay.

In my humble opinion, maybe if folks would stop trying to fix something that's not broken, gay men would stop marrying straight women and messing up their lives. I've already blogged about religious hypocrisy and the Rekers story was part of it. I find this interesting, especially in light of a recent article in Psychology Today where homophobic men were found to be highly aroused by gay porn.

Go figure.

FINALLY! Someone "gets" it.

Another review, but this is from someone who understands our plight.

Fran Drescher May Be “Happily Divorced,” But Not All Ex-Wives Are So Thrilled

Posted by carolyncastiglia on June 15th, 2011 at 9:49 pm

Fran Drescher, best known for her starring role in 90′s sitcom “The Nanny,” appeared on Good Morning America yesterday to talk about her latest television project, “Happily Divorced,” premiering tonight at 10:30 pm on TV Land. In it, Drescher plays an L.A. florist whose husband ends their decades-long marriage when he comes out of the closet.

“Happily Divorced” was created and written by Drescher and her real-life husband of 21 years, Peter Marc Jacobson, who also co-created “The Nanny.” It just so happens that two years after Drescher and Jacobson divorced, Jacobson announced that he’s gay. Drescher credits her uterine cancer survival with having “re-calibrated” her life with her ex, allowing them to become friends. She swears they didn’t divorce because her ex was gay, which is maybe why she’s not bitter about it. But Drescher does admit to missing some red flags while she was married to Jacobson. She told the Huffington Post, “He was very into my wardrobe, picking out my clothes, buying my clothes, picking out my shoes, discussing my makeup. But he was a very controlling person, and I kind of assumed it was him being a Svengali, which he was. He was also very into musicals, show tunes, Judy Garland, Diana Ross, Cher.” But, she says, “At the time, the ‘metrosexual’ was becoming a part of pop culture, so I chalked it up to that,” a sentiment she repeated on GMA.

Drescher should count herself one of the lucky ones, if not the luckiest broad to ever have been married to a gay man. Sure, Hollywood is rife with starlets who’ve survived marriages to boys who like boys: Judy Garland, Liza Minnelli, (like mother, like daughter!) Carrie Fisher, Katie Holmes (okay, okay)… but not every woman gets out of a “Brokeback Marriage” so unscathed.

Juliet Jeske, a friend of mine who sings and hosts burlesque shows in downtown Manhattan, says the concept of “Happily Divorced” makes her cringe. Jeske ended her marriage about two years ago, after her husband told her he was gay. “I am going to my support group for straight spouses tonight and the group is already talking about it,” she says. “Although I still love my ex-husband and consider him my friend my divorce has been devastating.” Like Drescher, Jeske worked closely with her ex-husband, and she says, “Since our split, my income has been nearly wiped out.” She adds, “I also can’t figure out dating at all so… I wouldn’t say I was happily divorced.”

According to The New York Times, there are up to “3.4 million American women who once were or are now married to men who have sex with men.” The Times article on the subject, written in 2006, one year after “Brokeback Mountain” was released and two years after the Jim McGreevey scandal, seems largely biased toward gay men who feel compelled to lie to the women they marry. “On the whole these are not marriages of convenience or cynical efforts to create cover,” the article contends. “Gay and bisexual men continue to marry for complex reasons, many impelled not only by discrimination, but also by wishful thinking, the layered ambiguities of sexual love and authentic affection.”

The article goes on to quote Joe Kort, a clinical social worker in Royal Oak, MI, as saying, “These men genuinely love their wives. They fall in love with their wives, they have children, they’re on a chemical, romantic high, and then after about seven years, the high falls away and their gay identity starts emerging. They don’t mean any harm.”

Kort then goes on to essentially blame the female victims in these mixed-orientation marriages, saying, “Straight people rarely marry gay people accidentally. Some women find gay men less judgmental and more flexible, while others unconsciously seek partnerships that are not sexually passionate.”

Michele Weiner-Davis, marriage therapist and author, counters Kort by calling his conjecture “psychobabble.” She says, “A lot of gay people don’t know they’re gay. So how in the world are their spouses supposed to have some sort of gaydar? Therapists should deal with the real issues — the shock to her system, that her husband wasn’t who she thought he was and the impact on her own identity.”

That shock to the system is what the premise of “Happily Divorced” seems to overlook. (He’s gay but it’s no problem, we’re just going to set each other up with guys from now on and be best friends like nothing ever happened!) Please. After all, a gay man leaving a mixed-orientation marriage has the excitement of sexual discovery to look forward to, while the woman he leaves feels washed-up, confused and alone. Kiri Blakeley, Forbes blogger and author of Can’t Think Straight, A Memoir of Mixed Up Love, knows all about being left behind in a blur, her husband suddenly craving – of all things – a bear. Blakeley’s husband came out to her – and himself – after a decade of marriage. Blakeley writes:

I didn’t see much bleakness in Aaron’s future. He was cute and hetero looking and acting. Men would be all over him. His friends were not homophobic and would all support him. His family might be shocked, but they too would come around because Aaron was such a sweet, lovable guy (not to mention he had a gay sister who had not been ostracized). Within a year, he’d be living in Chelsea with his hair- stylist boyfriend, wearing muscle shirts and walking his poodle. Meanwhile, I’d be the head case who scares away men due to my tendency to scream Areyougayareyougayareyougay? If they prefer a Seinfeld rerun instead of sex. You hear that cliché: feeling like you’re in a waking nightmare. And so it was. I sat in a chair across from Aaron with my bare knees pulled up under my chin, frantically wondering, “When will I wake up from this? None of this can be real.”

- From CAN’T THINK STRAIGHT Copyright © 2011 Kiri Blakeley. All rights reserved. Published by arrangement with Citadel Press/Kensington Publishing Corp.


So what’s my part in this, you might be wondering? Why do I care about the premise of “Happily Divorced?” Is my ex-husband gay? I don’t think so, but I often wondered while we were married if he was, since I knew in my gut he was hiding something. And that’s what brings me to my problem with “Happily Divorced.” As a woman who was lied to – albeit in a different way – for as long as Jeske and Blakeley (and thank God not as long as Drescher), I am so so so so so sick and tired of people telling me that I, too, should be in an amicable relationship with my ex. Occasional readers stumble on one post about my divorce and call me bitter or angry, then suggest that because of my supposed bitterness and anger I’m doing my child a disservice, that what I really ought to do is be kind to my ex, be friends with my ex, a man who lied to me for ten years. Um, no thanks. And anyone who can suggest I should “make an effort to maintain a respectful relationship” with my ex has clearly never been betrayed in the eviscerating, identity-destroying way I was, and I think Jeske and Blakeley were, too. What I don’t understand is why Drescher seems so okay about her divorce, but maybe it’s because even after their break-up, her husband still holds the purse strings.

My criticism of the show’s premise aside, I do find Drescher to be a charming actress (I’ll admit to watching re-runs of “The Nanny” when I can’t sleep and nothing else is on – and besides, she was in Spinal Tap for God’s sake). I look forward to tuning in shortly to see if the comedy stylings of Drescher and her hilarious co-star (and fellow Christopher Guest collaborator) John Michael Higgins can override the objectionable premise. (Oddly, Higgins is straight, despite being known for playing flamboyant characters.)

THANK YOU, Ms. Castiglia!

A Few Reviews

Here's one from BuddyTV:

A premise by itself can't make a TV show great, but it can make it terrible. Such is the case with TV Land's newest original sitcom, Happily Divorced, starring Fran Drescher. The set-up is so painfully unfunny and flimsy that, even 20 years ago, it would've seemed like a bad idea pitched by some hacky network executive.

On Happily Divorced, Fran's husband of 18 years, Peter, wakes up suddenly one night in bed and announces that he's gay. If you're anything like me, you've already dismissed the entire series based on that simple premise.

Sadly, the show relies on that one joke to sustain an entire series, and the result is a sitcom as grating and annoying as Fran Drescher's voice. In the right context, she can be very funny, but the material here is so weak that every joke just falls flat.

It's a shame because Happily Divorced has assembled an impressive cast. Fran's gay husband is played by John Michael Higgins, who you probably recognize as a regular in Christopher Guest films, most notably as half of the gay couple from Best in Show. Fran's best friend is played by Everybody Hates Chris' Tichina Arnold and Fran's mom is played by EGOT winner Rita Moreno (which means she's won the Emmy, Grammy, Oscar and Tony).

That's a high-caliber cast, one that Happily Divorced and its tired and cliche jokes don't deserve. It's a problem TV Land has had before.

When the network first launched original scripted sitcoms with Hot in Cleveland, it landed an instant success, and TV Land has tried to replicate that ever since. The previous effort, Retired at 35, failed for many of the same reasons that Happily Divorced is a failure: a bad premise.

Based on Hot in Cleveland, it feels like TV Land thinks all it needs to do is get a bunch of former sitcom stars, put them on a show together, and let the magic happen. That's misguided, and it's why just throwing Fran Drescher or George Segal into a show isn't enough to make it worth watching.

Hot in Cleveland is great because it honors the simplistic traditions of classic sitcoms. It's just about the crazy situations that four women find themselves in. It's not about a young man in a retirement community or a gay man living with his ex-wife. Sure, there was the initial premise of having three glamorous California women adjusting to life in the Midwest, but Hot in Cleveland doesn't rely on that premise as a crutch.

Happily Divorced is a gimmick sitcom, a show where there's some wacky and unusual premise to make it stand out. If the writing was good, it wouldn't need the gimmick. Seinfeld was a show about nothing, Friends was just about a group of friends. The best sitcoms don't have gimmicks, they just have funny characters and funny situations.

Happily Divorced has neither, and the sooner TV Land realizes why Hot in Cleveland is the only decent show it has, the sooner they can stop making sub-par comedies that try to replicate that success.

And from Variety:

TV Land's out-of-the-gate success with "Hot in Cleveland" is beginning to look more and more like a fluke. The network has followed that sprightly original comedy with the dismal "Retired at 35" and now even-worse "Happily Divorced," whose ability to attract viewers will hinge largely on their failure to differentiate this Fran Drescher vehicle from "The Nanny" reruns. The premise's autobiographical underpinnings notwithstanding, "Divorced" is so painfully broad and filled with gay stereotypes all but Drescher's most faithful fans will yearn to be separated from their TVs.

Drescher and ex-husband Peter Marc Jacobson (who co-created "The Nanny") drew inspiration from their real-life relationship in creating the show. It's promotable, surely, in a People magazine way; watchable is something else again.
 
Drescher's character is informed in the opening scene by her husband Peter (John Michael Higgins, a veteran of the Christopher Guest films who deserves considerably better) that he's finally realized he's gay.
"You've never even been with a man," she protests. "Trust me, it's not that great!" And so it goes.
Flash to six months later, and the pair are divorced but -- out of financial necessity that surely wasn't part of Drescher's actual story -- forced to continue sharing a house together. (Divorce is always hardest on those without syndication money.)
 
So Peter is constantly around, even when Fran brings home a hunky date (D.W. Moffett). Then there are her wacky parents (Rita Moreno, Robert Walden), who (along with everyone else) always suspected Peter was gay and are just so excited at the prospect someone -- Fran, Peter, heck, anybody -- might be getting laid.
Everything about the show feels as if it were plucked out of a time capsule stamped 1978, around the time "La Cage Aux Folles" was released, right down to the slogan, "He came out … but he didn't move out!"
 
Drescher has always been something of a made-for-sitcoms cartoon character -- Betty Boop's look wedded with Olive Oyl's voice -- so playing broadly comes naturally. Yet even with that disclaimer, the fact-based elements to fall back on and the "Born this way" subtext, it's hard to picture "Happily Divorced" collecting any GLAAD awards.
 
As with "Retired," TV Land will roll out the new sitcom behind fresh episodes of "Hot in Cleveland," which has already become a workhorse in that regard, treated by the network like "Seinfeld" and "Frasier" rolled into one.
 
Still, if this is as ambitious as the rerun-heavy Viacom channel plans to be with its original comedies, here's one vote for repeating the golden oldies until the sprockets come off.

Glad to see I'm not the only one who thinks this show stinks -- and not just from the perspective of the straight spouse.

Are you laughing?

Fran Drescher appeared on "The View" Tuesday to promote her new show.  Apparently the co-hosts thought the premise of having a gay husband was funny.

I'm not laughing.  Are you?

I sent ABC an email telling them I was insulted that they gave this show credence by giving it promotional time.  It isn't funny to take my hell and laugh about it.