DEAR ABBY: I started a relationship with a co-worker. We went out for several months, and I found myself really enjoying his company. The feeling was mutual. After several months I told him I was developing feelings for him, more than just friends. He told me he was gay. I was shocked, saddened and angry all at the same time, but we went on to develop an even stronger friendship.Dear Abby,
I have fallen in love with him, but I have had counseling and I believe those feelings are in check. We have a special bond that's hard to explain. For lack of a better term, we have used the words "soul mate" to describe this feeling. He has even said he would like a lifelong commitment with me and has thought about marrying me. He said holding hands, walks on the beach and romantic things aren't a problem for him to share with me, but he cannot offer me anything sexual.
He wants to share his life with me. We aren't kids - we're in our 40s and 50s. He's a wonderful man, and I do want him in my life. Is it wrong to think about a future with him?
- Confused on What to Do
DEAR CONFUSED: It's not wrong to think about it. But while you're thinking, consider carefully how important sex is to you. Some, not all, women would be content with what he's offering. But what if you should meet someone? You also need to know whether this man is ready, willing and capable of forgoing a sexual relationship with a man. How would you feel about it if HE met someone?
My advice is not to make a decision this important alone. Check in with your therapist and examine all of your feelings there. Also, contact the Straight Spouse Network, which was mentioned in a recent column, and talk frankly with others who are involved in mixed relationships. You'll find it online at www.StraightSpouse.org.
ARE YOU NUTS? Why did you tell this woman to even consider this? Did you not do some research and see that mixed orientation marriages do not work out? And doesn't it send up even the smallest red flag that this man did not tell her he was gay up front? She could stay friends with him, but dear dog, she should not take a walk down the aisle and attach herself legally to him. What happens when he decides he wants sex, but not with her? Is he going to go outside the marriage and troll Craigslist for partners? If he neglected to tell her he was gay until she expressed feelings for him, he just might neglect to tell her he met a man at a motel for sex.
I hope Confused has done more than read your reply and has done a little research herself. If she has, she'll quickly run in the opposite direction.
Sincerely,
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