How Can I Forgive You?

Copied from Janis Abrams Spring


HOW CAN I FORGIVE YOU?

How Can I Forgive You? The Courage to Forgive, The Freedom Not To

Forgiveness has been held up as the gold standard of recovery from interpersonal injuries. We have been taught that forgiveness is good for us and that good people forgive. In real life, however, hurt parties often find that they can’t or won’t forgive, particularly when the offender is unrepentant or dead.

In How Can I Forgive You?, Genuine Forgiveness is reframed as an intimate dance, a hard-won transaction, which asks as much of the offender as it does of the hurt party. Offenders will learn how to perform bold, humble, heartfelt acts of repair to earn forgiveness, such as bearing witness to the pain they caused, delivering a meaningful apology, and taking responsibility for their offense. Hurt parties will learn to release their obsessive preoccupation with the injury, accept a fair share of responsibility for what went wrong, and create opportunities for the offender to make good.

When the offender can’t or won’t make meaningful repairs for the damaged caused, Dr. Spring proposes a radical, new alternative to forgiveness – a profound, life-affirming, healing process called Acceptance. This can be accomplished by the hurt party alone. Ten concrete steps for healing the self are described.

Everyone is struggling to forgive someone. This book will help you rise above a violation, repair the rupture within yourself, and consider forgiving the partner, parent, in-law, sibling, child, friend, or significant other who has hurt you. For those of you who have wronged someone else, it will offer you concrete steps for earning that person’s forgiveness – and your own.

Beautifully written and filled with insight, practical advice, and poignant case studies, How Can I Forgive You? addresses such critical questions as:

*Is forgiveness good for us?
*How do we forgive someone who shows no remorse? How do we heal ourselves?
*How can we overcome our obsessive preoccupation with the offender and get on with our lives?
*Why should forgiveness be the job of the hurt party alone? Shouldn’t the offender be asked to make good?
*When is forgiveness cheap? When is it genuine?
*What makes for a meaningful apology?
*Why is it so hard to apologize?
*Why is it so hard to forgive?
*Are some injuries simply unforgivable?

“We are all social beings, all vitally interconnected, and we are validated and redeemed when others provide a soothing balm to our wounds and work to release us from the pain they have caused us. Healing, like love, flourishes in the context of a healing relationship. I would go so far as to say that we can’t love alone, and we can’t forgive alone.”
– from How Can I Forgive You?

Praise for How Can I Forgive You?


“If you are struggling with issues of betrayal – or the challenge of whether and how to forgive–here is the most helpful and surprising book you will ever find on the subject.”
—Harriet Lerner, Ph.D., author of The Dance of Anger

“A fresh and original approach to an ancient challenge. A clinically informed guide for the offender and the offended. How Can I Forgive You? should be read by us all.”
—Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., author of Getting the Love You Want

“Finally a book has been written that teaches couples how to make genuine forgiveness a reality without rushing toward a superficial peace. This book can help couples construct a marriage that never existed before, one based on deep understanding and trust.”
—John Gottman, Ph.D., author of The Relationship Cure

“This book is a treasure trove for anyone who has ever felt betrayed or hurt in a personal relationship. Dr. Spring cuts through all the cliche’s surrounding forgiveness and views it within a broad spectrum of common relationships – mother-daughter, father-son, student-teacher, husband-wife. We owe her a debt of gratitude for this enlightened and penetrating view of a universal human dilemma.”
– Peggy Papp, M.S.W., author of Couples on the Fault Line

“This book is a treasure – practical, authentic, illuminating, and wise. It’s like a breath of fresh air that puts forgiveness in a new and revealing light and provides clear steps to turn wounds into wisdom.”
– Joan Borysenko, Ph.D., author of Minding the Body, Mending the Mind and Inner Peace for Busy People

“Clear, insightful…a thoughtful exposition on the nuanced role of forgiveness in relationships that goes beyond the average self-help book.”
—Publishers Weekly

At a therapy session shortly after I learned my husband is gay, I said to my therapist, "I supposed one day I'll have to forgive him." Having been raised a Christian, I'd been taught about forgiveness and turning the other cheek. But I was quite surprised by the answer that came from my therapist who is also a Christian.

"Do you?" she asked.

And with that she introduced me to this book. It completely turned my thinking around and I went from, "I suppose one day I'll have to forgive him" to "I'm not letting him off the hook that easily."

If you are struggling with the concept of forgiveness for a spouse who has betrayed you terribly, you may want to read this book and ponder the concepts the author proposes.

Is it a choice?

From Advocate.com

OP-ED: Is It A Choice? A Scientist's View

When Tim Pawlenty said the science was "in dispute” about whether being gay is genetic, that sure came as surprise to molecular biologist Dean Hamer.

By Dr. Dean Hamer, op-ed contributor

In a recent interview, Tim Pawlenty was asked “Is being gay a choice?” The presidential hopeful replied that “the science in that regard is in dispute.”

As a working molecular biologist, that was certainly a surprise to me.


In fact, the scientific community has long regarded sexual orientation – whether gay, straight, or somewhere in between – as a phenotype: an observable set of properties that varies among individuals and is deeply rooted in biology. For us, the role of genetics in sexual behavior is about as “disputable” as the role of evolution in biology. Come to think of it, pretty much the same folks are opposed to both ideas.


The empirical evidence for the role of genetics in sexual orientation has steadily mounted since I first entered the field in the early 1990s. Back then, the only quantitative data was derived from studies of unrepresentative and potentially biased samples of self-identified gay men and lesbian. But in the intervening 20 years, studies of twins – the mainstay of human population genetics – have been conducted on systematically ascertained populations in three different countries. These studies are notable because they have large sample sizes that are representative of the overall population, they’re conducted by independent university-based investigators using well-established statistical methods, and the results are published in the peer-reviewed literature.


Each of these studies has led to the same fundamental conclusion: genes play a major role in human sexual orientation. By contrast, shared environmental factors such as education, parenting style, or presumably even exposure to Lady Gaga, have little if anything to do with people's orientation. While there is a substantial amount of variation that cannot be ascribed to either heritable or shared environment, the differences might also be due to biological traits that are not inherited in a simple additive manner.


One criticism frequently leveled at my work was that sexual orientation couldn't possibly be inherited because “gays don't have kids.” As the gay father of a daughter with lesbian mothers, I always had to shake my head in disbelief – but now there is a solid scientific explanation for how genes that increase same-sex attraction might persist or even increase in the population. Careful family studies by two groups of investigators show that the same inherited factors that favor male homosexuality actually increase the fecundity of female maternal relatives, and that this effect is sufficient to balance out the decreased number of offspring for gay men and maintain the genes over the course of natural selection. This explanation may not be the only one, but it serves to show that the evolutionary paradox is not necessarily overwhelming.


Another criticism frequently brought up by politically motivated critics of the research is that there is still no single identified "gay gene." However, the same is true for height, skin color, handedness, frequency of heart disease and many other traits that have a large inherited component but no dominant gene. This doesn't mean that sexual orientation is a choice; it simply confirms that sexual orientation is complex, with many genes contributing to the phenotype.


In certain animal model systems, the precise genes involved in sexual partner choice have in fact been identified and their neuro-biochemical pathways have been worked out in detail. Humans may be more socially and culturally complex, but it is likely that some of these mechanisms are preserved, as they are for every other behavioral trait we know.


Given the accumulated evidence, why might Pawlenty assert that the scientific community is still debating the role of biology in sexual orientation? Probably because that's what the religious fundamentalist groups that vehemently oppose LGBT rights want people to think, and have spent considerable time, effort and money trying to promote.


There is good reason for their opposition to the scientific findings. Studies in college classrooms have shown that exposure of students to information about the causes of sexual orientation has a direct, positive influence on their opinions about LGBT civil rights. This fits with polling data showing that people who believe that gays are "born that way" are generally supportive of full equality, whereas more than two thirds of those who believe it is "a choice" are so opposed that they favor the re-criminalization of same-sex relations.


I would never want my life, liberty, or pursuit of happiness to be subject to a DNA test or any other sort of scientific analysis. Basic rights are just that – basic. But it is essential to acknowledge that lack of scientific knowledge can actually result in having our rights and freedoms taken away through the actions of misinformed voters, legislators and judges.


At least Pawlenty acknowledged that science has some role to play. I doubt that would be the case for his competitor Michele Bachman, who considers sexual orientation to be so malleable that people can “pray away the gay”. She's hopeless. With Pawlenty, it might just take some education – and plenty of Lady G, of course.

Dean Hamer is a molecular biologist who works on human genetics and HIV prevention and is the author of several scientific books including The Science of Desire. When he's not in the lab, he is visiting small towns and rural communities with his husband Joe Wilson on the Out In The Silence campaign.

My argument has always been that if it was a choice, why would the son of an ultra-conservative religious right minister choose to be gay when he knew his family would disown him if they knew he was gay.  It's not a choice.

Lord help us all if one of these ignorant politicians ends up in the White House.

How Married Guys Get Caught

The following article is from: Bi MEN NETWORK. It's intended to help men keep from getting caught. But it's also great info for the wife who suspects her husband might be cheating. Read on, sisters, and take notes. I got a lot of info on my ex from many of the things he mentions here.

"HOW MARRIED GUYS GET CAUGHT!"

by Mark

I had occasion the other day to consider how easy it is for married bisexual guys, or even heterosexual for that matter, to be caught by their wives after a little foray into bed with someone else. I have always tried to make sure that I am very aware of actions or any other form of evidence that would indicate that I have been "sipping from another cup," but every now and then it is easy to slip, and ohhh so easy to get caught.

I have been with my wife since we were both 21, and we know each other so damn well that any aberration or deviation is instantly apparent. I make it hugely worse of course by being a dreadful creature of habit; it goes with my job, which is based on systems and procedures that follow a careful routine, so it is inbred that I am pretty damn consistent. My wife is a bloody smart lady, so not much gets by her. I never underestimate her, so I was really annoyed at myself for a slip-up that required a quick recovery.

In this particular instance, I had been on a business trip to London, and I was fortunate that it coincided with a married mate who was also there on business. We had an incredible blast - not just the great sex, but the ability to head out for drinks and dinner together; to sit in the bar of the hotel and enjoy each other's company; to wake up together after some major cum unloading, and shower together before having breakfast together. That was all fine--different country, no one knows you or cares anyway, secure private room--all fine along with a nightly call to the family, and I was reachable at the hotel if anything came up; so where did I slip up?

I was commando for 2 days running--no need for underwear while my buddy was with me, and I enjoy the feeling of my cock moving around while I am in my suit. It is not unknown for me to be commando in jeans on the weekend, but during a series of Board Meetings in London? Very difficult for my wife to give credibility to THAT scenario. So when I unpacked after returning from the trip, I stupidly returned the clean boxers to my underwear drawer, and threw an inadequate number into the laundry basket to equate to the number of days I had been away. She picked it up in a shot! I knew I hadn't been gone long enough to have had hotel laundry done, one escape excuse, so I had to say that I hadn't finished unpacking yet, and there was still some laundry in my case! I got away with it, but cursed myself for being so stupid.

Over the years of being a member of websites like the Bi Men Network, I have heard many shared experiences on how husbands have been caught by their wives. In some cases I have thought that the situations were dumb enough, that the guys needed to be caught to bring it out in the open. Other events have been tragic embarrassments, where too many people have been hurt needlessly. We all live in this situation of conflicting priorities, where it is easy in following your nature to leave a trail that others can see and be exposed.

For those of us not as technically savvy as others, computers are the greatest villain, and it was computer usage that brought me the closest I ever want to get to a marriage breakdown. Since that time, I have been meticulous about never using the home computer for any of this stuff. I know of guys who had "chat" on the homes computers, but hadn't changed the automatic settings. Children or wives then logged on only to have an IM from "bigcockinBoisieID" pop up with a raunchy profile photo that said it all. Web Site histories are impossible to explain when the site name is "Horny College footballers with massive cocks!"

Guys have equally been caught by having condoms or lube when they don't use them with their wives. Wives cleaning under beds have found flotsam discarded in the throes of passionate sex.

Messages on cell phones; worse yet automatic redial on cell or house phones that recalls a number that was best left to history.

Then there is always being in a mall with our wife when some flouncy, clearly gay guy bounces up to you and says "Hi!" I restrict myself to married guys, and have frequently encountered them in malls, so the hardest thing there is to explain is how you know each other.

I am sure that we all know examples of how guys have been caught, and I often think that we might help each other more on this site by sharing these anecdotes, along with how to overcome these situations. I know we all get off on discussing docking, and whether to swallow cum, and how to spot a bisexual guy at a block party, but some of the best advice we can give each other is how to cover your tracks.

FINIS

Mark
Our thanks to Mark once again!

STEWART (Mac) McCLOUD
Founder and President
Bi MEN NETWORK
http://www.bimen. org
Over 1/4 million bisexual, bi-curious and
gay adult men with us today worldwide!

More ESSAYS by MAC at: :www.bimen.org/wednesday.htm

MWM Seeks...

Several weeks ago, Bonnie Kaye talked about Craigslist on her weekly radio show, StraightWives.  It seems the website designed as a free place to advertise things for sale, post job listings and learn about local cultural activities has morphed into a huge operation for arranging sex of all varieties. 

Just take a gander at the photo to the left to see what you can find. 

Craigslist began in 1995 as a service for the San Francisco area; now it covers most of the world.


According to Wikipedia, "The site has been found to be particularly appealing to help connect lesbians and gay men with one another because of its free and open nature in addition to it being hard to find gay people in one's area for some.  In 2005, San Francisco Craigslist's men seeking men section was attributed to facilitating sexual encounters and was the second most common correlation to Syphilis infections."


Bonnie stated that several of the women she's dealt with have found their husbands on Craigslist, advertising for gay sex complete with photos of their man parts.  I know for a fact my ex and one of his married sex partners contemplated contacting someone who'd posted on Craigslist.  I don't know for sure if they did. 


I decided to conduct a little experiment and see what would happen if I posted a faux ad on the site.


"Looking for like-minded guys - 43 - My Location


MWM looking for other married men for NSA fun. Not interested in drugs. Safe only. DDF, HIV negative. Versatile. I enjoy oral too. If you like what you see, message me. I can host from time to time but am willing to spring for a motel for the right guy."*


It didn't take long for the offers to start coming in.


Within 48 hours I received  58 replies.  19 of them specifically stated they were married.  7 stated they were single.  2 said they were engaged but looking for a man on the side.  3 were divorced.  1 was in a same-sex relationship.  26 didn't state their marital or relationship status.  Out of the 26 who didn't state their status, I suspect 6 are married because of certain things they said such as "Can only host during the day" or "Can host after X o'clock" or "Can't host, must be discreet."  Those phrases led me to believe there's a wife in the picture who may or may not be at work during certain times or may not work at all.


Many of the responses included photos of man parts in various stages of undress and arousal.  Several included very clear face photos.


What I wouldn't give to be able to identify them and send the emails to their wives.  Yes, there's a certain mean streak in me that would like to see these cheaters punished for their adultery.  But more important, their wives need to know they are being put at risk for sexually transmitted diseases.




* Here's the translation of the gay lingo in the ad:  MWM = Married White Male; NSA = No Strings Attached ; DDF = Drug and Disease Free; Host = ability to have someone come to your place residence.

No, no, no!

From the Washington Post

Bert and Ernie should not get married

By Petula Dvorak, Thursday, August 11, 4:51 PM

Absolutely not.

As fun as it would be to pick their colors and their cake and release a flock of pigeons, Bert and Ernie should not get married.

Fueled by the sea change in states across the nation legalizing same-sex marriage and boosted by this week’s census report that gay households are increasingly going on the record, there is a cheeky but earnest movement afoot urging the producers of “Sesame Street” to let the inseparable guy Muppets finally tie the knot.

It’s as obvious as a Scooby-Doo pot joke that these “roomies” — wink, wink — are really a gay couple, right?

And it stands to reason that the PBS program, which has been in the vanguard on social issues for 40 years, should step up and give children a positive example of a kind of couple that, according to Gary Gates, a demographer at UCLA, lives in 99 percent of the nation’s counties.

Sorry, but I’m not into hearing wedding bells for these two googly-eyed guys.

Just because Bert and Ernie live together, have a sweet bedtime cookie ritual and accept each other’s oddball, pigeon-oatmeal-bottle-caps-rubber-ducky quirks doesn’t mean they are a gay couple.

(Anyhow, then we’d be going back to the silly days of Lucy and Ricky in twin beds. Who wants that?)

Kids don’t need us to label that Muppet relationship.

What next? We diagnose Oscar the Grouch as bipolar, manic-depressive; explain Big Bird as a Muppet with Marfan syndrome; and tell kids that Grover’s mommy is never around because she’s the CEO of a major multinational corporation and always traveling?

The lessons of Bert and Ernie are about getting along, sharing, finding beauty in another’s flying dumpster rats and eating the mushy oatmeal because it’s good for you.

Think of them as the Muppet equivalent of Felix and Oscar, Abbott and Costello, Laurel and Hardy or Penn and Teller. Those partnerships, without marriage, were okay, too.

Sesame Street Workshop responded to the marriage campaign on its Facebook page Thursday, explaining that Bert and Ernie “remain puppets, and do not have a sexual orientation.” I agree.

Besides, we shouldn’t rely on puppets to acknowledge our country’s historic progress on same-sex relationships.

And that brings us to a campaign I’d really like to see.

It is time for “Sesame Street” to add a same-sex human couple to the show.

These are flesh-and-blood, genuine and increasingly legal unions. It’s not something that should be represented by foam creatures.

That’s tempting for some of the folks who are fumbling for a cute storybook way of teaching kids about same-sex relationships. You can read about Tango the penguin or hope that Bert and Ernie have a lovely wedding, but a more powerful lesson is simply seeing Sylvia and Sandra at school pickup, PTA meetings and the park every day, doing what all parents do.

Preschoolers will get this.

And even if same-sex marriage isn’t supported by your religion or values, it’s time to stop pretending that these couples don’t exist. Six states — New York, Massachusetts, Iowa, Connecticut, New Hampshire and Vermont — and the District of Columbia issue licenses for same-sex unions. With the repeal of “don’t ask, don’t tell,” the Pentagon will allow gays to serve openly in the military.

Attitudes toward gay people are being transformed at an almost dizzying rate. In 2006, a poll showed that 58 percent of Americans opposed same-sex unions and that 36 percent supported them. By early this year, a Washington Post-ABC Poll found a slim, 51 percent majority supported same-sex marriage.
Just this week, 2010 Census data showed sharp increases in the number of same-sex households in the Washington area, probably because more gay couples feel comfortable identifying themselves. There are 17,000 same-sex couples in Maryland and 20,500 in Virginia, according to the census.

Whether you live in Topeka or Takoma Park, Birmingham or Beltsville, you and your family probably live near gay male and lesbian couples. They are simply people, not political statements or something to be hidden or forgotten.

In a tasteful, sensitive and caring way, “Sesame Street” has taught generations of children about race, ethnicity, deafness, adoption, HIV/AIDS, death and military deployment.

“Sesame Street” has even been touted as a way to champion American democratic values in Afghanistan.

Introducing a same-sex human couple — without political fanfare, wedding bells, surprises or sweeping anthropological explanations — would do the same thing.

The relationship needs to be as unremarkable as Susan and Gordon’s race or Luis and Maria’s ethnicity.

As for Bert and Ernie, do we really want to see two of our favorite Muppets slip into the ennui of marriage? A life without pigeons and bubble baths and oatmeal? Absolutely not.

 

I'm all about equal rights for gays, but let's don't create issues where none exist.  Leave Sesame Street alone.  Fight your battle somewhere besides there.

And the hypocrisy continues

Email rendezvous entangles state Rep. Phillip Hinkle

Lawmaker calls encounter set up with young man on Craigslist a 'shakedown'

Emails shared with The Indianapolis Star suggest that state Rep. Phillip Hinkle -- responding to a local posting on Craigslist -- offered a young man $80 plus tip to spend time with him Saturday night at the JW Marriott hotel.

The emails, sent from Hinkle's publicly listed personal address, ask the young man for "a couple hours of your time tonight" and offer him cash up front, with a tip of up to $50 or $60 "for a really good time."

The email exchange is in response to the Craigslist posting in which the young man -- who lists his age as 20 in the ad but says he is 18 years old -- says, "I need a sugga daddy."

The young man told The Star that they met, but that he tried to leave after the man told him he was a state lawmaker. He said the lawmaker at first told him he could not leave, grabbed him in the rear, exposed himself to the young man and then later gave him an iPad, BlackBerry cellphone and $100 cash to keep quiet.

When contacted by The Star about the emails, Hinkle, a Republican who represents portions of Pike and Wayne townships, did not contest the emails but said, "I am aware of a shakedown taking place."

Asked what he meant by shakedown, Hinkle would not elaborate. He directed further questions to his attorney.

Hinkle's lawyer, defense attorney Peter Nugent, said he was unable to say what Hinkle meant by a "shakedown." Nugent said he is investigating the situation, but he does not know what happened Saturday. Nugent said he has not filed a police report and does not yet know whether he will.

Asked whether he had seen the emails and the Craigslist posting, Nugent said, "Oh, I've seen some emails, but not all of them." He would not be more specific.

"I'm trying to get to the bottom of everything involved," Nugent said.

Wednesday, Nugent faxed this "official statement":

"Representative Hinkle is aware of the inquiries by The Indianapolis Star and we are investigating the matter at this time. We request that everyone respect the privacy of the family at this time."

Hinkle, 64, who lists his occupation as coordinator for community partnerships for Wayne Township Schools on the Indiana House website, has been a state lawmaker since 2000. He is best known in the Statehouse for his interest in local government issues. On the website, he also notes he was a co-author of the bill that created the "In God We Trust" license plate.

The young man, Kameryn Gibson, told The Star he posted the Craigslist ad in the "Casual Encounters" section under m4m, which is shorthand for men for men. He used his adopted sister's email address.

Gibson said he and the man met but that they did not have sex. He and the sister, Megan Gibson, flatly denied any shakedown.

"I wasn't shaking him down, at all," Kameryn Gibson said.

Megan Gibson said she contacted The Star because she thought Hinkle's actions were "creepy" and, given his stature, that his actions should be made public.

Megan Gibson also provided the email exchange, which she forwarded to The Star. She also allowed a reporter to inspect the emails, which she had kept, on her smartphone. The phone contained not only the email exchange but a call log that showed phone calls from numbers that match both Hinkle's cellphone and home phone.

The Craigslist ad was posted at 7:37 a.m. Saturday. The ad shows two pictures of Kameryn Gibson, shirtless with pants pulled below the top of his underwear.

The ad's text features one written line: "Email me and I'll tell you everything you need to know!"

Forty-seven minutes later, he received a response from phinkle46 @comcast.net, with the email signature "Sent from Phil's iPad."

"Cannot be a long time sugar daddy," the email reads, "but can for tonight. Would you be interested in keeping me company for a while tonight?"

The email offers "to make it worth (your) while" in cash, and offers a personal description: "I am an in shape married professional, 5'8", fit 170 lbs, and love getting and staying naked."

Fifteen minutes later, Kameryn Gibson replied: "Yes I can!" He also sent along his phone number.

What followed was an email exchange between phinkle46 @comcast.net and Kameryn Gibson. One email from Hinkle's account asks "what will make you happy for giving me a couple hours of your time tonight?"

Gibson: "Wat (sic) can you give me?"

Phinkle46 @comcast.net: "How about $80 for services rendered and if real satisfied a healthy tip? That make it worth while?"

The two agreed on the price and discussed logistics. An email sent at 9:44 a.m., also with the signature "Sent from Phil's iPad" and sent from Hinkle's personal account, lays clear the parameters for the tip: "Final for the record, for a really good time, you could get another 50, 60 bucks. That sound good?"

Later, about 5 p.m., phinkle46 @comcast.net offered to pick up the young man at his Westside home and drive him to the JW Marriott hotel.

The final emails from phinkle46 @comcast.net come from a BlackBerry. One such email suggests: "If u want to consider spending night u might tell ur sis so she won't worry. Would have u back before 11 tomorrow. No extra cash just free breakfast and maybe late night snack."

Gibson responds only with his address. At 8:45 p.m., he receives one final email from phinkle46 @comcast.net: "I am here in parking lot between bldg 1 and 2. U here?"

The email exchange contains no mention of sex acts.

Brad Banks, supervisor of the D Felony Division at the Marion County prosecutor's office, explained -- without being provided details of the emails -- that prostitution in the state of Indiana is defined as an agreement between two parties to have sex in exchange for money and that the agreement must be about both sex and money.

Kameryn Gibson provided the following account of what happened after that final email from phinkle46 @comcast.net.

He said Hinkle picked him up in a white car -- his suit jacket was hanging in the backseat.

When they arrived at the hotel, Gibson said he was given the room key and told to go into the hotel. They couldn't go in together, Gibson was told. About 15 minutes later, Hinkle arrived in the room, changed into a towel and then during small talk informed Gibson he was a lawmaker.

Gibson said the man showed him an identification card.

The ID, Gibson said, gave a name: Phillip Hinkle.

"My eyes got big," Gibson told The Star. "I didn't really know what to say, so I didn't say anything. It was just a shock."

Gibson said he had posted on Craigslist before but had never met up with someone. Knowing he was in a bedroom with a politician, Gibson said, he got cold feet.

"Yeah, I don't want to do this," Gibson said he told Hinkle.

He said Hinkle's response was: "You need to do this, because I came and got you, and I'm not taking you back until we do what we need to do."

Gibson excused himself to the bathroom. There, he called his sister Megan. She said she would come get him immediately.

When Gibson came out, he said Hinkle told him he couldn't leave. Gibson called his sister again. This time, Megan told him to put her on speakerphone.

"I started cussing him," Megan told The Star. She also threatened to call the police and the local media.

"He said, 'I'll give you whatever,'" Megan said.

But when they hung up, Kameryn Gibson said Hinkle grabbed him by the right arm, just below the shoulder. Gibson said it was then that Hinkle grabbed him in the rear, dropped his towel and sat down on the bed -- naked.

When Megan Gibson arrived to pick up her brother, she again threatened to call police and the local media.

Kameryn and Megan Gibson said Hinkle then offered his iPad, a BlackBerry and $100 in cash.

Kameryn Gibson walked past his sister and out of the room as she continued to yell at Hinkle.

"She was still going off," Kameryn Gibson said, "and I was like, 'OK, I think that's enough, I think he gets it.' "

Megan Gibson said that on the drive back, she began receiving a series of calls on the BlackBerry, including one from a woman who said she was Hinkle's wife.

"I was like, 'Your husband is gay,' " Megan said. "And then she was like, 'You have the wrong person.' "

Megan read her the email address: phinkle46 @comcast.net.

The line went silent.

"Just for a couple seconds," Megan Gibson said, "and the first thing she said was, 'Please don't call the police.' "

Phone messages left with Hinkle's wife late Thursday were not returned.

Megan Gibson said she then began receiving a series of calls from various family members -- including from Hinkle's son-in-law, demanding that his wife see proof of the emails.

Megan Gibson dropped off her brother then returned to the JW Marriott, where she showed Hinkle's daughter the emails.

Megan Gibson said on her way back, she received another call from Hinkle's wife.

"The first thing she said, she was like, 'OK, we will give you $10,000 not to say anything,' " said Megan Gibson, who said she was now becoming scared. "I was like, 'OK,' and I hung up the phone."

She soon got another call -- from the Marriott hotel. It was Hinkle. Megan Gibson told Hinkle that she had informed his wife and family that he was gay.

Megan Gibson said Hinkle's response was: "You just ruined me."

No, Phillip.  You ruined yourself.  And to make matters worse,  you voted to deny marriage rights to gay people while you were off in the shadows engaging in gay sex.

I feel sorry as hell for your wife.  I  think we all know where YOU will spend eternity.

VACATION TIME!

See you when I get back.