!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa, Seasons Greetings, Happy Holidays!

Whatever you celebrate, I hope it is wonderful for you.

And for all the straight wives out there, may 2012 be a better year for you.  Keep your head held high, try to maintain a positive attitude, plug into the resources available to you and move forward in your new life.

Blogger on haitus

From Australian Marriage Equality.

Shocking, huh?  (insert sarcasm here)



Reader Question

I had an email from a reader who told me about her gay husband situation.  While circumstances may vary, we all share the same hurt and betrayal and that sickening feeling of disbelief.  We ask ourselves how we didn't see this before.  We boil with anger.  We may try to bargain with the gay spouse, asking him to change or even with God, asking Him to make the spouse straight.  Or we may turn away and shake an angry fist at God for allowing it to happen.

Many of us have children by our gay spouses, and the issue of children just muddies water that's already cloudy.  The reader I referenced earlier posed the following question to me after disclosing that her daughter had journaled about seeing her father kissing an older man but won't go to counseling or talk with her further.

"...how did you feel about your son keeping the secret of his dads porn stash from you...hence, more years were stolen from you than was necessary."

 I was never angry at my son for not revealing he'd found out his dad's secret.  He was just a teenager, and that's not a subject you broach with either parent.  He found himself in an untenable position and he did what he thought was best.

The anger I have is directed directly at my ex-husband -- anger for lying to me, anger for putting his son in that untenable position, anger for lying again about the reasons for our divorce, anger for making his family believe I'm the bad guy in all this, anger, anger, anger.

This frequent, and sometimes all-consuming, anger is the topic of many of my therapy sessions.  Many people say I should just forget it, forgive him and get over it.  My answer to that?

BULLSHIT!

I cannot simply forgive what I consider the ultimate betrayal.  I cannot simply forgive lying to my children.  I cannot simply forgive putting my son in that untenable position and possibly negatively affecting any relationships either of my sons may have.  Our marriage was the foundation of their childhood, and now they know it was just a lie.

Please do not comment and tell me that as a Christian I should forgive unconditionally.  I cannot do that.  It would give him a bye for his lies and cheating. 

This, too, is something my therapist and I have talked about many times.  And she, who is also a Christian, is in complete agreement with my stance.  Forgiveness without an apology ain't gonna happen.  What I HAVE done is accept that my ex will never apologize and  never accept responsiblity for his behavior.  And with that acceptance has come a dose of peace.

So back to the reader's question...  I feel so bad for my son that he had to be put in that position, that he had to know for over half his life that his dad was gay (I pray he never knew anything about his dad's sexploits), that he had to watch his mother move from her home and head out into the world as a single person.

But I hope that he's proud of me for the stronger woman I've become.  I strive to be an example of Christian living for him and his brother and also for my grandchild.  I want her to look at her grandmother and think, "My grandma is a class act."

 

 

Decide for yourself.

DADT

Thankfully, the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy in the U.S. military is gone. It's over and done with. Now I don't expect that every gay soldier will come out immediately, but it's surely a good start for everyone. Gay and lesbian soldiers don't have to hide anymore. They can be who they are -- who God made them. And for that, I'm truly glad.

But Kiri Blakely, a writer for the Forbes website, had a very good post about another aspect of DADT. Here's her article:

Now that “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” has been repealed in the military, gay servicemen and servicewomen can no longer be discharged because of their sexual orientation. This allows them to tell friends, family, and colleagues about their orientation—should they choose to do so. Some already have.

One American soldier stationed in Germany, who had previously only videotaped himself from the neck down for an anonymous video log, has come out -- out to his father, mother, comrades—even his girlfriend.

His father told him: “I will always love you. This doesn’t change our relationship.” (No word on what the girlfriend had to say.)

Unfortunately, not all men and women are following his lead. Many people still choose the “don’t ask don’t tell” policy in their personal life. Take this ad, posted tonight on Craigslist’s Men for Men section (and slightly toned down here): “GF [girlfriend] left town and I’m looking for a hot safe time. Very discreet and masculine white bi guy looking to *** with a similar bud. Totally *** up and open, safety and discretion are key.”

Here’s another, very typical, one: “Married good looking hot stud here looking for some fun while in town.”

I hate to break it to these guys but there is no “safe time” or “fun” for the women who love them, trust them, are planning their futures with them, and possibly are home taking care of their house and children. It’s not “safe” and “fun” for those women emotionally, financially, psychologically, and not even physically. There are venereal diseases that can be spread even with the use of a condom—including the Human papillomavirus or HPV.

I would also say to these men, if they don’t want to think of their wives and girlfriends, to think about themselves. Why are you doing this? What kind of life do you want for yourself, constantly living in the shadows of lies and suffering the fear of being discovered? Even if she doesn’t discover it, which she probably will, why do you want to live a double life?

Millions of women and men who find themselves in mixed-orientation marriages and relationships have turned to networks like Straight Spouse Network and Straight Wives for emotional support. I can tell you firsthand that these men and women, and their children, are devastated when they discover their significant other was lying to them and cheating on them.

I understand that you may be scared, or ashamed, or humiliated, or simply not want to be gay. But at least, in that case, be single!

Or, you can be brave. Just like that soldier who came out today.

Kiri is a straight spouse too, so she's writing from experience. Actually, she has a book about her experience -- Can't Think Straight: A Mixed-Up Memoir of Love. I think many of us can relate.

So to all the married guys on the downlow, BE BRAVE. Stop with the lies and do the right thing by your wife.

She Doesn't Know

If this wasn't so true, it might be funny. I didn't know either. Is it a coincidence that a song about men on the downlow has that bass-heavy club beat?

She Doesn't Know by Hussy Cowboy