Reader Question

I had an email from a reader who told me about her gay husband situation.  While circumstances may vary, we all share the same hurt and betrayal and that sickening feeling of disbelief.  We ask ourselves how we didn't see this before.  We boil with anger.  We may try to bargain with the gay spouse, asking him to change or even with God, asking Him to make the spouse straight.  Or we may turn away and shake an angry fist at God for allowing it to happen.

Many of us have children by our gay spouses, and the issue of children just muddies water that's already cloudy.  The reader I referenced earlier posed the following question to me after disclosing that her daughter had journaled about seeing her father kissing an older man but won't go to counseling or talk with her further.

"...how did you feel about your son keeping the secret of his dads porn stash from you...hence, more years were stolen from you than was necessary."

 I was never angry at my son for not revealing he'd found out his dad's secret.  He was just a teenager, and that's not a subject you broach with either parent.  He found himself in an untenable position and he did what he thought was best.

The anger I have is directed directly at my ex-husband -- anger for lying to me, anger for putting his son in that untenable position, anger for lying again about the reasons for our divorce, anger for making his family believe I'm the bad guy in all this, anger, anger, anger.

This frequent, and sometimes all-consuming, anger is the topic of many of my therapy sessions.  Many people say I should just forget it, forgive him and get over it.  My answer to that?

BULLSHIT!

I cannot simply forgive what I consider the ultimate betrayal.  I cannot simply forgive lying to my children.  I cannot simply forgive putting my son in that untenable position and possibly negatively affecting any relationships either of my sons may have.  Our marriage was the foundation of their childhood, and now they know it was just a lie.

Please do not comment and tell me that as a Christian I should forgive unconditionally.  I cannot do that.  It would give him a bye for his lies and cheating. 

This, too, is something my therapist and I have talked about many times.  And she, who is also a Christian, is in complete agreement with my stance.  Forgiveness without an apology ain't gonna happen.  What I HAVE done is accept that my ex will never apologize and  never accept responsiblity for his behavior.  And with that acceptance has come a dose of peace.

So back to the reader's question...  I feel so bad for my son that he had to be put in that position, that he had to know for over half his life that his dad was gay (I pray he never knew anything about his dad's sexploits), that he had to watch his mother move from her home and head out into the world as a single person.

But I hope that he's proud of me for the stronger woman I've become.  I strive to be an example of Christian living for him and his brother and also for my grandchild.  I want her to look at her grandmother and think, "My grandma is a class act."

 

 

How Can I Forgive You?

Copied from Janis Abrams Spring


HOW CAN I FORGIVE YOU?

How Can I Forgive You? The Courage to Forgive, The Freedom Not To

Forgiveness has been held up as the gold standard of recovery from interpersonal injuries. We have been taught that forgiveness is good for us and that good people forgive. In real life, however, hurt parties often find that they can’t or won’t forgive, particularly when the offender is unrepentant or dead.

In How Can I Forgive You?, Genuine Forgiveness is reframed as an intimate dance, a hard-won transaction, which asks as much of the offender as it does of the hurt party. Offenders will learn how to perform bold, humble, heartfelt acts of repair to earn forgiveness, such as bearing witness to the pain they caused, delivering a meaningful apology, and taking responsibility for their offense. Hurt parties will learn to release their obsessive preoccupation with the injury, accept a fair share of responsibility for what went wrong, and create opportunities for the offender to make good.

When the offender can’t or won’t make meaningful repairs for the damaged caused, Dr. Spring proposes a radical, new alternative to forgiveness – a profound, life-affirming, healing process called Acceptance. This can be accomplished by the hurt party alone. Ten concrete steps for healing the self are described.

Everyone is struggling to forgive someone. This book will help you rise above a violation, repair the rupture within yourself, and consider forgiving the partner, parent, in-law, sibling, child, friend, or significant other who has hurt you. For those of you who have wronged someone else, it will offer you concrete steps for earning that person’s forgiveness – and your own.

Beautifully written and filled with insight, practical advice, and poignant case studies, How Can I Forgive You? addresses such critical questions as:

*Is forgiveness good for us?
*How do we forgive someone who shows no remorse? How do we heal ourselves?
*How can we overcome our obsessive preoccupation with the offender and get on with our lives?
*Why should forgiveness be the job of the hurt party alone? Shouldn’t the offender be asked to make good?
*When is forgiveness cheap? When is it genuine?
*What makes for a meaningful apology?
*Why is it so hard to apologize?
*Why is it so hard to forgive?
*Are some injuries simply unforgivable?

“We are all social beings, all vitally interconnected, and we are validated and redeemed when others provide a soothing balm to our wounds and work to release us from the pain they have caused us. Healing, like love, flourishes in the context of a healing relationship. I would go so far as to say that we can’t love alone, and we can’t forgive alone.”
– from How Can I Forgive You?

Praise for How Can I Forgive You?


“If you are struggling with issues of betrayal – or the challenge of whether and how to forgive–here is the most helpful and surprising book you will ever find on the subject.”
—Harriet Lerner, Ph.D., author of The Dance of Anger

“A fresh and original approach to an ancient challenge. A clinically informed guide for the offender and the offended. How Can I Forgive You? should be read by us all.”
—Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., author of Getting the Love You Want

“Finally a book has been written that teaches couples how to make genuine forgiveness a reality without rushing toward a superficial peace. This book can help couples construct a marriage that never existed before, one based on deep understanding and trust.”
—John Gottman, Ph.D., author of The Relationship Cure

“This book is a treasure trove for anyone who has ever felt betrayed or hurt in a personal relationship. Dr. Spring cuts through all the cliche’s surrounding forgiveness and views it within a broad spectrum of common relationships – mother-daughter, father-son, student-teacher, husband-wife. We owe her a debt of gratitude for this enlightened and penetrating view of a universal human dilemma.”
– Peggy Papp, M.S.W., author of Couples on the Fault Line

“This book is a treasure – practical, authentic, illuminating, and wise. It’s like a breath of fresh air that puts forgiveness in a new and revealing light and provides clear steps to turn wounds into wisdom.”
– Joan Borysenko, Ph.D., author of Minding the Body, Mending the Mind and Inner Peace for Busy People

“Clear, insightful…a thoughtful exposition on the nuanced role of forgiveness in relationships that goes beyond the average self-help book.”
—Publishers Weekly

At a therapy session shortly after I learned my husband is gay, I said to my therapist, "I supposed one day I'll have to forgive him." Having been raised a Christian, I'd been taught about forgiveness and turning the other cheek. But I was quite surprised by the answer that came from my therapist who is also a Christian.

"Do you?" she asked.

And with that she introduced me to this book. It completely turned my thinking around and I went from, "I suppose one day I'll have to forgive him" to "I'm not letting him off the hook that easily."

If you are struggling with the concept of forgiveness for a spouse who has betrayed you terribly, you may want to read this book and ponder the concepts the author proposes.