Sheesh! They have an association.

of the Washington, D.C. Metropolitan Area

From the "Talking to Your Wife" page.  Comments in red are mine.

ADVICE FROM AN EXPERT

The following is quoted from When Husbands Come Out of the Closet by Jean Schaar Gochros (Harrington Park Press, 1989). Gochros holds a doctorate in social work. Her book is based on extensive interviews with women whose husbands are gay. In Chapter 10, she provides advice to wives and husbands and summarizes the general conclusions of her study.   Set forth below are brief excerpts.
Gochros general advice is encapsulated in a comment that she quotes from one of her interviewees: "Tell my husband I'm trying to understand. But I don't know what he thinks or how he feels. Tell him not to shut me out. Tell him to talk to me!"
Advice to Wives
1. Having company in one's misery doesn't necessarily make one happy, but it does help to relieve the sense of isolation. So try to remember that you are not alone. You are in an extremely large crowd.
2. Try to remember that you are not alone in the kinds of feelings you have had, presently have, or may have in the future. Whether those feelings are positive, negative, or simply confused and ever changingthey have been shared by others.
3. If you have just learned of the homosexuality, try not to panic, and avoid hasty, impulsive decision. Your marriage is not necessarily doomed, and it may well improve. You have many options. Like staying married to a man who has lied to you about his sexual orientation and has most likely cheated on you?
4. Try not to blame yourself and don't accept others blaming you foryour husband's homosexual thoughts or behaviors. You did not cause either his homosexual feelings or actions.  Amen!
5. Avoid letting this issue take over your life. Uh... it's a little hard to NOT let it take over your life when the rug has just been pulled out from under you.
6. Shutting the door and pretending the homosexuality doesn't exist is not helpful to you in the long run. You need to confront the issues squarely.
7. Be prepared for periods of confusion, anger, depression, discouragement, turmoil, stress, and mood changes. Ya think???
8. Be patient with yourself. The situation you are facing can be complex and confusing.
9. Try to look beyond the homosexuality in assessing your options and in how you solve both big and little problems in your marriage. You also need to stand up for your own rights, ask the questions you need to ask, and insist on the same flexibility, consideration, and understanding from your husband that he asks and expects from you.
10. Don't blame yourself for your choice of husband. You probably had good reason. Now you need to examine those reasons. Do they still exist? Are the qualities you liked before still there?  You also need to find a good psychologist and the best divorce lawyer in town.
11. You may need to explore new sexual options. Can you accept the possibility of an open-sexual contract that allows for extramarital sex? If so, what ground rules can you set?  Are you prepared for the fact your ex may give you STDs?  Don't even consider this.
12. Don't try to struggle with this situation alone. It simply becomes too confusing. Get professional counseling quickly before confusion sets in. Try not to isolate yourself. Talk with others and to learn the art of coping with stigma. But be cautious in dealing with straight society.   Okay, so I already told you to get a good counselor.  And confide in your best friends who won't be judgmental.  Your gay husband's stigma doesn't have to be yours. 
Advice to Husbands
1. There is no pat rule for whether to tell or when to tell a wife about homosexual needs and either past or present activity. Honesty is usually (though not always) the best policy. Usually, the sooner you talk with your wife, the less "betrayed" she will feel.  Honesty is NOT the best policy???  Since when?
2. "Honesty" should not become equated with "cruelty" and must be tempered with sensitivity.
3. Try to make your disclosures as positive as possible in your timing and sensitivity to your wife's feelings.
4. Do your best to avoid making promises that you do not intend or may not be able to keep, and be scrupulously honest in obeying both the spirit and the letter of any contracts you make.
5. You need to be prepared for and willing to suffer through your wife's anger, grief, and hurt. Try to meet her feelings with empathy and understanding. Wives, don't be surprised when he has no empathy for you.  He probably won't give a damn that you are suffering.  If you want sympathy, you'll find it in the dictionary between shit and syphillis.  If you're really lucky, you'll find it from good friends and a good counselor.
6. Help her cope with stigma. It is as real a problem for her as it has been and will be for you.  He's not going to care about this either. 
7. Try not to feel railroaded by others into choosing between marriage and homosexual expression. You have options. If you and your wife can work out a mutually satisfying contract, there is no reason why you should not do so. If you cannot honestly commit yourself to and be happy in a heterosexual relationship, don't string your wife along.  There is no such thing as a mutually satisfying contract between a gay man and a straight woman.  Period.  Eventually, his suppressed feelings will explode to the surface and he's going to find other men.  The sooner you can get out, the sooner you can start to build a new life free of the lies and betrayal.

In my opinion, this group has good intentions but a lot of bad advice.  Gay men should be encouraged to come clean with their wives as soon as possible and not fight them in divorce court.  When you've stolen years of a woman's life -- years she could have spent with a man who would love her with real passion -- you have no right to make the divorce difficult.

Grow a set and do the right thing.

Providing peer counseling, support, and outreach to gay and bisexual married men, their wives, partners, and friends.


I wanted GAMMA to be a place where people who feel this special kind of love would be welcomed and accepted. I wanted to create a framework for discussion that was respectful and humane, for ourselves, our wives, and others. — Joshua, one of the founders of GAMMA

What is GAMMA?

GAMMA is a peer support group for men who:

• Identify themselves as gay or bisexual or are simply attracted to men, and
• Are now or have been in a relationship with a woman, or are contemplating such a relationship.

Some members are in satisfying, conventional marriages, some in less happy ones. Some are separated or divorced, some have lovers. Some have never had a sexual experience with a man and some have worked out unique living arrangements.

Some have had free and open discussions with their spouses and children. Others have never spoken to anyone about their feelings.

All are welcome and should find among us others who share their experience.

GAMMA has no official party line. It neither encourages nor discourages its members from relationships with their wives or other women. Rather, it seeks to assist each man to find his own best road to travel in life. Much of this is accomplished through open, candid, and sympathetic sharing of thoughts, experiences and feelings.

At meetings, you can say as little or as much as you like. Most attendees introduce themselves using only their first name and then describe their current situation and issues. The discussions during the rest of the evening depend on the interests of the group. There are typically about 10 people in attendance – with ages ranging from the 20's on up. The men's group is just a bunch of guys discussing their issues, so don't be shy... there's nothing bizarre going on here!

Support for Wives

Support for wives is available through the Straight Spouse Network.

Gimme a *&^%&ing break!

From Straight Guise

It's not a gay thing, it's a guy thing!

Straight Guise is about straight men who have sex with men (SMSM) who question their sexual orientation and are not gay. It is about the many reasons men engage in sexual contact with other men that are not about a homosexual identity.

Straight men cannot become gay and gay men cannot become straight. Gay men are not gay due to complicated childhood experiences such as sexual abuse or problematic parenting. Science is increasingly pointing to the evidence that gay men are born that way.

There is a significant difference between sexual identity, sexual behavior and sexual fantasy and Straight Guise helps teach what these are.  

Become the man you were meant to be!

Written from Dr. Joe Kort's perspective as an openly gay psychotherapist who has counseled thousands of sexually confused men over the years, Straight Guise shows how this phenomenon crosses all ethnicities and cultures. Not a week goes by when I don’t receive distressed emails or phone calls from heterosexual men who worry they might be gay and from wives who have discovered their husbands engaged in gay hookups and relationships or exploring gay porn.

Written from Dr. Joe Kort's perspective as an openly gay psychotherapist who has counseled thousands of sexually confused men over the years, Straight Guise intends to help readers just as I have helped my clients, first by separating the two types of men in the world: There are men who are gay and bisexual and then there are heterosexual men who seek out sex with other men.

The difference is one of sexual preference versus sexual identity. Sexual Preferences are about various desires, positions and fantasies one has whereas sexual identity is about how one self-identities in terms of straight, gay, or bisexual.

Straight Guise is not about Reparative Therapy which is harmful. It also is not a site about only pathologizing straight men who have sex with men. It is focused on understanding and differentiating sexual orientaion, sexual acting out normal sexual interest heterosexual men have in sexual contact with other men.

IMHO, if it walks like a duck and it quacks like a duck and it looks like a duck, it's a duck.  If a man has sex with other men (except in certain situations like prison where sex with men becomes a survival technique) he is gay.  Period.

It's malarkey like this that makes gay husbands feel like what they have done is okay.  This man writes for Psychology Today, which just made me re-think my opinion of that magazine.  No respectable psychologist buys into this "sex with men for the heck of it" philosophy.

Dr. Kort gets two thumbs down from me. 

You Can't Fix Stupid

Comedian Ron White is famous for his comedy routine "You can't fix stupid."

Well, here's a news flash for you: You can't fix gay either. Fix implies something is broken. Being gay isn't being broken. It's being the way God made you, even if it's different than "normal." Being gay is its own normal. I know this. Lots of people know this. But sadly, too many people in positions of power and influence continue to believe being gay is a choice and can be "fixed."

Someone directed me to the story of Kirk Murphy, a man who was part of a UCLA study conducted by George Rekers as part of his doctoral thesis.

In 1970, a well-known expert on homosexuality and transgender issues appeared on a local television talk show in Los Angeles to talk about feminine boys. He described how very young boys who behaved in a feminine manner would almost invariably grow up to become a homosexual. Alongside that expert was a gay man who described his own childhood and confirmed what the expert said. But there was hope, the expert announced. A new program at the University of California at Los Angeles would ensure these young boys grew up to become masculine, normal men. The expert gave a list of symptoms to watch out for, and urged his viewers to call him if their children exhibited the problems he described.

The mother of a four year, eleven month old boy saw that program that afternoon. She noted the list of symptoms that the expert gave and concluded that there was something seriously wrong with her son. She and her husband decided to take their young boy to UCLA for treatment to prevent him from growing up to be gay.

That young boy came under the care of a very young grad student by the name of George Alan Rekers. The boy’s treatment would become a subject of Rekers’s doctoral thesis, and the astounding success that Rekers claimed in curing the young boy would mark the start of a very impressive career. Rekers would write about “Kraig” in at least twenty publications during his career, a career which included becoming a very important activist in the promotion of anti-gay causes.

In this original BTB investigation, we speak with his family and friend who knew the real “Kraig” to uncover the truth behind Reker’s greatest success story. Their stories reveals the tragedy of a terrible experiment on a very young boy which would haunt him for the rest of his life. It is not only an indictment of a man who built his anti-gay career on Kirk’s suffering, but a rebuke to others — those in the mental health profession then and in the contemporary ex-gay movement today — who would place their careers and agendas ahead of the well-being of this young boy and countless others like him.

I think it's interesting to note that George Rekers, a psychologist and ordained Southern Baptist minister, was caught last year returning from a European vacation with a male escort he found on rentboy.com. The escort has claimed that Rekers is in fact gay.

In my humble opinion, maybe if folks would stop trying to fix something that's not broken, gay men would stop marrying straight women and messing up their lives. I've already blogged about religious hypocrisy and the Rekers story was part of it. I find this interesting, especially in light of a recent article in Psychology Today where homophobic men were found to be highly aroused by gay porn.

Go figure.

Dear Abby... Sincerely, Me

This letter appeared in Dear Abby on May 25, 2011

DEAR ABBY: I started a relationship with a co-worker. We went out for several months, and I found myself really enjoying his company. The feeling was mutual. After several months I told him I was developing feelings for him, more than just friends. He told me he was gay. I was shocked, saddened and angry all at the same time, but we went on to develop an even stronger friendship.
 
I have fallen in love with him, but I have had counseling and I believe those feelings are in check. We have a special bond that's hard to explain. For lack of a better term, we have used the words "soul mate" to describe this feeling. He has even said he would like a lifelong commitment with me and has thought about marrying me. He said holding hands, walks on the beach and romantic things aren't a problem for him to share with me, but he cannot offer me anything sexual.

He wants to share his life with me. We aren't kids - we're in our 40s and 50s. He's a wonderful man, and I do want him in my life. Is it wrong to think about a future with him?

- Confused on What to Do

DEAR CONFUSED: It's not wrong to think about it. But while you're thinking, consider carefully how important sex is to you. Some, not all, women would be content with what he's offering. But what if you should meet someone? You also need to know whether this man is ready, willing and capable of forgoing a sexual relationship with a man. How would you feel about it if HE met someone?

My advice is not to make a decision this important alone. Check in with your therapist and examine all of your feelings there. Also, contact the Straight Spouse Network, which was mentioned in a recent column, and talk frankly with others who are involved in mixed relationships. You'll find it online at www.StraightSpouse.org.

Dear Abby,

ARE YOU NUTS?  Why did you tell this woman to even consider this?  Did you not do some research and see that mixed orientation marriages do not work out?  And doesn't it send up even the smallest red flag that this man did not tell her he was gay up front?  She could stay friends with him, but dear dog, she should not take a walk down the aisle and attach herself legally to him.  What happens when he decides he wants sex, but not with her?  Is he going to go outside the marriage and troll Craigslist for partners?  If he neglected to tell her he was gay until she expressed feelings for him, he just might neglect to tell her he met a man at a motel for sex.

I hope Confused has done more than read your reply and has done a little research herself.  If she has, she'll quickly run in the opposite direction.

Sincerely,